...whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

Giving everything.

2011-08-30T20:10:00.003-04:00

School starts Tuesday. This is exciting and terrifying at the same time. Memories of schedules, homework, and making lunches fill my brain as I watch the last lazy days of summer slip through my grasping hands. I think back over last year, and remember all we went through with our sweet Mayla. Her not feeling accepted, or 'enough'...she hates being different. We decided to let her do something that would make her feel special. People may look down on us for it- but we felt, as her parents, that it was healthy for her self esteem. We let her get a second earring holes. She has two cute pink studs on each ear. I also have spent the past 2 says, taking 6 hrs to put in over 200 microbraids so she could feel on her game for going back to school. I was telling two friends about this tonight, and said to them, "I would do ANYTHING to make her love herself and not care what other people think". Which I know may sound unhealthy, and they both know me and know I wouldn't do anything drastic (I won't even let her straighten her hair for goodness sake). There is something inside of me that wants her not to ever feel left out, or not accepted for who she is.

As I was driving home from dinner, I was thinking about what I had said again. And felt a small voice tell me- I felt the same way. I wanted you not to have to worry about mans acceptance or God's wrath. And so I did give everything...for you, my daughter.

Amazed at how much I am loved.

Maine Maple Sunday

2011-03-28T09:55:00.001-04:00

This past weekend is what we Mainers like to call "Maine Maple Sunday", but it is actually Saturday and Sunday. All the local sugar shacks are open and boiling sap to make maple syrup. They normally give tours, explain the process and have samples galore, as well as syrup to buy. We normally go to this every year. We tried to make the little ones like it, when in reality each year we end up with cold, sticky, whinny kids who plead with us to go home. So this year, we didn't go. We aren't giving up on it altogether, and we may try again in the future. My dad always used to tap the trees for sap and he has a huge outdoor stove for boiling. Maybe we can do it Grampy style in the future. Anywho- this year we started a new tradition.

We invited some great friends over....(pj's required)

The Daddy's did the cooking....

The Mommy's set the table and did the taste testing;)

Then we all feasted!

We will make one change in the future...but this is all we had.

After breakfast, we all took time to plan our gardens. Figure out what seeds we needed to buy. Then we took a spontaneous trip to go buy the seeds!

They have a love/hate relationship.

The other crazies. They were a little wound from the sugary breakfast. Needless to say, we got A LOT of looks from people. One lady actually said, "Oh my GAWD" and shook her head in disgust. We just laughed, then Shaun said, "Hey I have an idea, let's each adopt one more!" (which we are doing, hehe)

Lettuce is super exciting!

To pumpkin or not to pumpkin? We pumpkined.

Starting new traditions is fun! What non-traditional (christmas, thanksgiving ect) traditions does you family have?

Goodbye, Grampa.

2011-03-27T13:34:00.001-04:00

Grampa,

I loved your strong hugs. I loved how you smelled like chapstick and outside. I loved climbing into your lap to sit with you in your chair. I loved your rough hands and scratchy face. I loved singing for you. I loved being amazed at how big your boots were. I loved your laugh, and your smile and your sense of humor. I loved how you called me chicken legs. I love that you used to mute the commercials, and how I do that now too. I love how you were strong and sometimes grumpy but that you were always smiling and tender with us. You will be missed.

Dreams.

2011-03-23T20:40:00.001-04:00

Adoption is such a huge, bigger then yourself thing. It really stretches and challenges my trust in God. Last night I saw a picture of Elie (who we are adopting from Haiti) with the chicken pox. All I wanted to do, was slather him in some anti itch medicine and rock him to sleep, or distract him by reading books or play with toys on the floor. I want to feel how his hair has grown out, I want to see his new teeth, I want to know him, and for him to know me. But here I am, and there he is. It makes my heart cringe thinking of how uncomfortable he must be, and I know he is alone for most of it. Yes there are caregivers, but not enough. Yes he is cared for, but not how I would. I need to be careful here not to sound like 'our way is the right way'...but who cares more for a baby then their mother? Who knows the sound of each cry and what can soothe it?

Last night I had a dream about him. He was walking (which may be a very real possibility soon! He will be one May 28th.) and he reached his little hand up to mine, and starred at me with those big brown eyes and said, "mama". Kind of like, come on mommy, I will lead the way.

This sent me into a bad morning. An un-trusting morning. How unfair does it seem that all our stuff for his adoption is in and done, and paid for, yet there he sits...and can for 2 more years. It is breath-taking (in a bad way) at times. I was talking to another friend today who is adopting, and she said, "I cry at night, I cry during the day, who am I kidding, I cry all the time". I get it. I find myself trying so hard not to dwell on the fact that he is there, but when we all get together for a family picture, or when I tuck each kid in at night and kiss them, it makes me long for him to be here. I want to tuck him in each night. I want to kiss his little forehead. I want him to call me mama.

Adoption when you have kids who are old enough to understand it is interesting. Malachi, our oldest (6) cries sometimes thinking of him being there. He is such a great big brother, and he remembers going through this with Mayla, even though he was so young. They have conversations that I overhear.
Malachi: Mayla, remember that time I spent a summer in Maine while Mommy and Daddy were with the youth group?
Mayla: No.
Malachi: Oh yeah, that is because you were still in Africa.
Mayla: Oh yeah, I knew that.
Malachi: I will take you back there, when we get older. Maybe when we gradtruate cottage. (listening while trying not to laugh). Mommy said Ethiopia is kinda next to Egypt, so we could go there, and then take a car to Egypt, and see the pyramids.
Mayla: Yeah, and I can show you where I lived.
Malachi: Yeah, let's ask mommy.

Then they come to me to ask, and find a teary eyed mommy. "why are you sad?", they ask. When really, I am not sad at all. I am so happy, and thankful that by God's grace Mayla fits here. That they are best buddies. And that they get it.

Malachi and Mayla after just meeting in the airport, doing some sort of dance- best buds from the start.

Mayla came home from school the other day telling me about 'Jamaica.' Apparently, they had a huge flood, and lost all of their dogs, and babies, and clothes. She was very concerned. She is 5. We talked about it, and how it made her feel- and she said, "it just makes me sad that some kids in Haiti and Jamaica (Japan) don't have Mommy's". And it makes me sad too. But at the same time, it makes me happy. Happy that our kids see the value in adoption. Happy that Mayla doesn't resent being adopted, and even if that stage of her life does come, I know that God will use it in her life to draw her closer to Him.

I keep telling myself that Elie will be the same age as Mayla when she came home, if the 2 yr waiting period is correct. That does quiet my heart a little, because it feels like Mayla has always been here. I can hardly remember my life without her.

This adoption is a little different though. With Mayla's, we got her referral and 4 months later we were boarding a plane to bring her home. Elie I have met and had to leave twice now. The first time not knowing he was my son in my head, but definitely knowing in my heart. When I was in Haiti in October, I remember giving him a bath. I was holding him in the nursing position and he thought I was going to nurse him. It was so sweet. It is something only moms can probably understand, but I will hold on to that moment my entire life. this last time I went with Ben, so he could meet him- and he had grown so much! He loved playing with my hair. Any chance he got, he had his fingers in it, which is just like Malachi used to do. All of these little moments of bonding, of creating an attachment to my son, are priceless to me.

First time I bathed him. Cold water bucket bath, not a fan.

Today, when I was really feeling low- I was reminded about just how much God cares for our kids. Because ultimately, they are His kids that he is lending out to us so to speak. He is giving us the privilege of raising them. So to answer my question on who knows how to comfort better then a mother, and who knows his cries and how to soothe them...I need to remember, that God does. He loves Elie more then I can imagine. He loves Malachi, Mayla, Logan and Corbin more too. I think about the day Ben and I left Haiti, and left him in his playpen, where he spends the majority of each day, and how he just looked up at me and smiled a huge grin. I can still see it in my head. It broke my heart. I need to remind myself over and over that God rules over this situation, He is in control of it. He will bring him home at exactly the right time.

In the mean time, sleep well my baby boy. While mommy can't sing to you in your ear, she is praying nonstop for you in her heart. Lead the way, Mama will follow. Because chasing after you is bringing me closer to Jesus- and there is no place I would rather be.

First Day of Spring!

2011-03-20T16:16:00.000-04:00

Happy Spring everyone!

Here is what we did today:

Yesterday, Ben and I planned out our garden. Today we started some of our seeds. We didn't have any starter pots, and didn't want to go out and buy any so we made some out of newspaper.

We found a shelf in the garage, and put it in a sunny spot. I also got to transplant some of my other plants that I have gotten recently into larger pots.

The kids look forward to planting every year with Ben.

We then went exploring in the woods. It was 40 degrees out, but the sun was shining and there was no wind!

We all just threw on some coats and boots- didn't realize until after we were in the mud that Mayla still had her church clothes on...ah well!

Playing in the swamp. We walked pretty far in the woods, went to an old tree house, a small river, and back up to our rd. Once there the kids raced home.

Who can resist mud? Not me.

Ben cut me some Forsythia and we are going to force it to bloom inside.

I hope you all had a fun day celebrating the first day of Spring!

Some thoughts on parenting

2011-03-16T13:13:00.001-04:00

Having kids is hard work. Training your kids in the gospel is even harder. So many times when my kids are fighting, I just want to stay, "STOP IT!" and truth be told, I do. Those little spats are the ones that make me exhausted after they go to bed, and feeling entitled to me time. But the REAL truth be told, those are the times that God has given me to speak the gospel into their lives. And while sometimes I feel like a broken record, I need to trust that what God has given me to do right now (raise these kids) will bear fruit someday.

Disclaimer- she put herself behind the toy box, and then cried because she couldn't figure out how to get out. We don't normally take pictures of our kids crying:)

This was a great/convicting post. As well as this.

Ben and I are also trying to be more intentional on raising our kids. We want to serve and bless our kids well. This is a list we found and are going to try and do to purposefully create memories. While we do some of them already, I thought it was a good list and may help others too!

Daddy-Daughter / Daddy-Son Dates Once a Month: Spend individual time with each child, at least once a month (this applies to Mommy-Daughter or Mommy-Son dates as well). Go out to eat together, go for a drive, do something the child wants to do – but spend time with each other, talk, create memories, and have fun!
Dad’s Saturday Breakfast: Let mom take the morning off – Dad and the kids make Mom breakfast on Saturday’s!
Two Family Night’s Each Month: Establish every other Friday (or Sunday, Wednesday, etc. – whenever) as ‘Family Day.’ No business, sports, TV, friends, etc. that night. Just family! Pull out the games and play games together as a family. Watch a movie together. Go out to eat. Just have fun and be together! Most importantly, be consistent in doing it every month!
‘Friends Night’: Be involved in your kid’s lives, create an ‘open home’ environment, and help your children feel comfortable inviting friends over into your home. Once a month, have a ‘friends night’ where your kids can invite over any friends – and just allow them to have fun, play games, and just enjoy being together!
‘Saturday Work Hour’: Each Saturday morning, set aside one hour where the whole family helps with work around the house. From cleaning rooms and the house, to vacuuming, to mowing the lawn and yard work – just establish the tradition that for one hour every Saturday – it is ‘family work time.’
‘Annual Days’: Be creative and establish certain days each year to do the same thing. Examples: go bowling, fishing, camping, shopping, skiing, hiking, etc. Attend a baseball game, a performance, go for a drive, visit someone, call someone, do a service project, etc. Perhaps just have an annual ‘Family Day,’ or ‘Kids Day,’ or ‘Sports Day,’ or ‘Amusement Park Day,’ etc. Choose one or many – or think of your own – but do this same activity every year on a certain day!
‘Special Plate’: Designate a plate that will only be used for ‘special’ occasions (simply buy or make your own). Pull it out for: good report cards, awards at school, winning a game, a good performance, graduation, promotions, pay raises, birthday’s, anniversary’s, etc.
‘Growth Wall’: Use a wall in the house as the ‘growth chart.’ As children grow, mark their growing heights as the years pass.
Annual Family Vacation: Just put it in the calendar that every year the family will go on a family vacation together! It of course can be at different times, and to different places – but do it every year.
Monthly Reach Out to Family Day: Set aside a few minutes once a month to simply stay in touch with family. Pick up the phone and make calls, send some emails, write a few letters – do something. Call parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, niece/nephew, friends, etc.
Daily Chores: Make it a tradition (although the kids may not see this as that ‘fun’ of a tradition) – to have each child have a daily chore. It could be: make bed, clean room, vacuum, straighten bathroom, set table, etc. Establish a tradition of work and helping the family.
Weekly Family Planning: Get together as a family each week and go over schedule, calendar, things coming up, etc. More importantly, talk about and discuss any issues needing to be addressed, use it has time to teach, communicate and stay connected, and just be together.
‘Learn to Cook’: Perhaps each Sunday, have each child take a turn helping cook the Sunday dinner. Use this time not only to help the child learn how to cook – but just have one on one time with just you and your child.
Annual Ancestry and Family History Day: Perhaps on Memorial day, go and visit the graves of loved ones who have passed on. Go and visit living grandparents. Visit, talk to, learn from, and record history of these people.
‘Stay Up Late Friday Nights’: Each Friday night – the kids get to stay up (and then sleep in on Sat. morning). Just stay up as a family and play games together, tell stories, watch a movie, etc.

A month late update...

2011-03-14T13:07:00.001-04:00

I wanted to share about what we did for Valentines day. We normally don't celebrate that day. Not because we don't like love, and certainly not because I don't like chocolate, but because ~~I am spoiled every day of the year~~ we show our love everyday, and don't require a special day to declare it.

That was before 4 kids. That was before our life got crazy. That was before when we had numerous amounts of date nights.

Now we are ~~older~~ wiser, and we understand that making specific time for each other needs to be a priority. We are also ~~poorer~~ blessed with more kids. Read: high dental bills, doctor bills, t-ball sign ups that cost $70, groceries to feed this many people, etc. So we have had to get more crafty in our date nights. Going to be real for a minute and say that we have actually failed pretty hard core at this. I remember when we were first married we would go out once a week. It slowly became less and less, and now it's more like once every 2 months, if we are lucky. We are working on it. It's hard to find sitters when you have 4 kids. I am going to start a babysitting coop with my mom friends- I AM. I have said that for a long time. So that is me ~~yelling at~~ reminding myself.

Back to why I am updating. This year for Valentines day we decided to celebrate, even though we couldn't go out. We fed the kids leftovers and put them to bed an hour early. Ben grilled us up some of his famous cheese, green pepper and onion stuffed burgers and we also bought some salty, horrible for you rice pilaf (cause I secretly love things that are bad for me) and we had no veggies. It was a great meal. Ben was sweet and set up our basement like a restaurant.

There was even live music. And yes, we created a 'LOVE SONGS' station for the occasion. It was perfectly cheesy.

Yes that is milk in my wine glass, no I am not pregnant. Can't a girl just love milk and burgers and rice pilaf? Yes, I am a child.

After eating, we decided to dance to the music- Ben got a little out of hand, per usual.

I on the other hand, was being quite reserved...

Until my husband spun me around, forgetting I just slammed a burger (and that I hadn't had red meat in a long time). Needless to say, I almost lost my Valentines dinner on the floor. Thankfully, I held it together.

We then watched a free instant Netflix together. It was fun, it was free. It was KIDLESS. Try it, I dare you.

My sweet Logan

2011-03-10T07:52:00.002-05:00

Your pregnancy was a blessing to us, after having 2 miscarriages between your brother and you. I remember being scared for my life that I would lose you too...

but God is good and had a plan to bring you into our lives.

Your birth was the most painful I have ever experienced. It was fast and furious- only 4 hrs long.

Your personality on the other hand, it is the sweetest I have ever seen.

You are always concerned for others, you love deep.

I love that we have our own special code for saying, "I love you more".

You are caring and giving. You heart is so big for such a small age. I love that about you.

I love how when I zip your coat you kiss me over and over on my forehead.

I love that you are sensitive to others feelings. Your one dimple smile melts my heart.


I love how you feel the weight of your sin, at 4, and how you want so desperately to not "be on your own team" but to be on God's. You are such a blessing to us, Logi.

Happy Birthday, our sweet, sweet boy.

Gluten Free and Me

2011-02-25T12:36:00.002-05:00

I am biting the bullet (as long as it doesn't contain wheat).

That is right, Gluten Free.

Ever since I have had kids, my body has gone crazy with allergies. I have had hay fever and animal allergies my whole life. But after my body held creatures of another kind inside, it has been messed up. I went into anaphylaxis shock a couple years ago from what we think was Kiwi. Ben had to rush me to the ER and made me put on my sunglasses before I went inside, he said I would scare children. So loving. After that I went and got a ton of allergy testing done and come to find out, I am allergic to yeast and salmon. Weird. I never had salmon, and now I never will. Yeast on the other hand, is impossible to avoid because it is in EVERYTHING. So I just try and limit my intake of it. No bread, no alcohol, etc.

Unfortunately, I am still having issues...that I will spare you the details of. Every Dr's appointment, they tell me to cut out wheat. I have gotten tested for Celiacs but the blood test came back negative (which can mean nothing because of all the false negatives they get from this test). I know going on it will relieve my symptoms. Ben says I have an eating disorder, it's called "you don't eat because you get sick". And it's true, it's gotten to the point of me skipping many meals because I know what the outcome will be. So GF, here I come.

If you have any recipes, please feel free to pass them along!

questions

2011-02-23T14:59:00.001-05:00

We are going through the Radical Series {what the Gospel demands} that a dear friend from Michigan recommended to us.

It is ~~ruining~~ changing our lives.

You should listen to it. Really, you should. It's eye opening. It basically asks the question- what does it mean to be a disciple of Christ? It is hard to hear, and makes you question everything you are doing and why. It talks about how we, as Americans, have painted Jesus to be someone He isn't. We made Him into someone who can easily come along side what we have planned for our lives.

We are praying a lot. Asking ourselves tough questions.

Jesus told his disciples to sell everything they had and give it to the poor, does He ask the same thing from us?

He said it is hard for rich people to go to heaven. We are not rich by 'American standards' but we are rich. We are so rich.

What is it costing us to follow Jesus right now?

"Do we believe what this Book says about the poor? Today, over a billion people live (and die) in desperate poverty (less than a dollar a day). Close to two billion others live on less than two dollars a day. 30,000 children today will breathe their last breath due to either starvation or a preventable disease. We are not inconvenienced by this extreme poverty because those stricken by it are not only poor... they are powerless. Literally millions of them are quietly dying in relative obscurity and we can comfortably ignore them in our affluence, pretending like they don’t even exist. Meanwhile, they do exist, and God measures the integrity of our faith by our concern for the poor."

How concerned are we really?

How do we help?

How do we be more concerned?

Are there even 'poor' people in the US? With all the systems in place to help?

What does that mean for us?

We are praying.

We are seeking.

We want to be where God wants us to be, and to do what He has called us to do.

Friends

2011-02-11T13:46:00.004-05:00

I am so thankful for my friends. Truly, thankful. I am not talking about the kind of friend that just accepts you where you are at- but the kind that loves you enough to push you forward. Being accepted where we are at can feel really nice, but in the long run- isn't true love or friendship. True friendship consist of truth. Being able to tell each other the truth in love, even when it hurts. Telling or being told by your best friend to shut up, when you are saying something you shouldn't be saying. Being encouraged with your parenting when you feel like you can't go another inch. Preaching the gospel into each others lives. Sometimes life is hard. It can feel like you jumped in a ocean of problems or worries and all of a sudden forgot how to swim. A good friend is like a life preserver. They throw you truth of God when you need it most, and He uses them to bring you back up.

So God, thank you so much for my friends. Thank you for giving them words of grace to speak into my life.

Today, I forgot how to swim. But God used my friends to throw me some help.

Recipe for food and living.

2011-02-09T18:34:00.003-05:00

Tonight I decided to cook some Haitian food. Both times I have stayed at the orphanage, the food has been wonderful. Marta, the cook, is such a lovely women. I wanted my food to taste like hers. I knew it was a lofty goal, but I wanted to try. When I began thinking about it, it wasn't just her food that I wanted to copy, I wanted to somehow dig deep and find her endurance and love that she displays so quietly and in such a dedicated way.

While making dinner, I began thinking about how much easier it was for me to cook then Marta. I don't have to light (and re-light) my stove and oven. I have a microwave to defrost chicken. I have warm water running from a tap. I have a dishwasher. I can decide to make a big Haitian meal at 3:30 and have it done for 5. Marta starts cooking/prepping in the morning, and doesn't stop until late each night. She cooks for over 70 people everyday. She does have some helpers, but she is the lady in charge. From deciding what to make, to buying the food, to prepping, cooking and cleaning up. Everything she makes is amazing (besides the waffles, but I don't like any waffles and my husband who is a waffle lover, says they were good.) I felt a little connected to Marta tonight while making dinner, yet at the same time so distant. I wish I had the years of wisdom on what spices to use and how to peel a potato using what looked like a weapon or something to clear cut a jungle. I hope she knows how appreciated she is. She doesn't speak any English, yet when I came down one night because I needed medicine and hot water and ice for a friend, she just knew what I needed. She was in the middle of devotions with the kids (participating, not running them.) She got up and helped me, with a warm smile. In my mind, I assumed getting those three items would be easy, but here was the process. First she took a huge bowl of frozen ice out of the freezer, then she chipped away at it until she got some chunks off. She then had to light the stove, and put a kettle on. To find the medicine, we needed to find a flashlight and search (the power was out.) I can't imagine getting up before everyone else- which is very very early in Haiti, making food for that many people all day everyday. Not only that but there are toddlers at her feet all day as well. She is so gracious with them, and is always handing them something to munch on to keep them busy or giving them a cup or spoon to play with. That night I went down well after dinner and saw her surrounded with over 30 children, I smelled the stench of my own selfishness as I watched a women that didn't have a selfish bone in her body. I tend to feel so 'entitled' to me time. After the kids have been feed 3+ times a day, and I have cleaned up after them, why wouldn't I deserve time to myself? Yet thinking about it, I pour cereal in a bowl, slap pb&j together and make dinner in 30 minutes or less. After I am done, I load my dishwasher. Seeing Marta live out her life is convicting to me. I want to be more like her, because I see Jesus in her.

Back to the meal-
I followed a recipe online. The chicken was close, the rice...not so much. When ben walked in from work, he said, "It smells like Haiti in here". Many of you may think of that as a compliment (which is how he meant it) but others of you who have been to Haiti know that having your husband tell you that your dinner's smell, equates to Haiti's smell, could throw you off a bit.

The rice was just too...bland. I would LOVE cooking lessons with Marta! Maybe next time I will just watch her. Here are the leftovers packed up for Ben to take to work:

Corbin loved it all. Logan loved the Chicken. Mayla ate it. Malachi cried and gagged. That pretty much sums up their personalities just right.

Having children and no dog (unfortunately, I am allergic) make meal times interesting. We have heated floors in our dining room which makes it even more interesting, any food that is not cleaned up directly following a meal gets cooked on. As we were cleaning up the rice from 4 children, my heart and mind wandered back to Haiti again, thinking of those caregivers picking up rice after over 70 children everyday. Rice is one of the messiest things my kids eat. It's gets thrown, smushed, stuck to the bottom of socks or shoes and tracked. 70 kids, wow.

I then decided since they were all troopers and ate my bad haitian cooking, that I would make some instant chocolate pudding for dessert. 5 minutes, so easy. Well I made it, stuck it in the fridge while I cleaned up dishes and took it out forcefully, assuming it had set- whoops, apparently it was cook and serve. I bought the wrong box. I told the kids to go play and that we would have dessert in a little bit. I then started the pudding cooking...again, thinking of Haiti.

It took me 25 min to make this. Which to me, felt like eternity for pudding. But think of all those people in tents, who have to walk who knows how long just to get water, bring it back, start their fire, cook their meal, wash their dishes. It could be easily a 2 hr or more endeavor. For one meal a day. For the same thing everyday. Not for a special treat, like pudding. I feel like I got sucked into an instant gratification society without even knowing it. Living here, and visiting there really opens your eyes to that. I stirred the pudding, put it into serving cups and fed it to my healthy, warm, educated kids. I felt so thankful and burdened. A thankfulness out of the deepest part of me. How come I was born and raised here, and now I get to be a mom to these beautiful kids? How come I married a great guy and he has a great job? How come the biggest things I worry about each day are being late for playdates and packing school lunches? How come they don't get these things? Then I stopped myself- my blessing are not necessities. I know everything I have is by God's grace, His love. I need to remember that things that I truly NEED to be happy, don't come in convenience or prepackaged. And to stop comparing. Even if all these things were stripped away from me, I would still have the one thing that matters most- my loving Father who gave it ALL up for me. And the moms in Haiti can have that same thing. I think it is harder for us here, to imagine being stripped away from every 'good' thing and still being happy. I think in Haiti, it's more of a reality. While food, and homes and education will help people- the thing they truly need, is Jesus.

Snow fun!

2011-02-09T17:54:00.003-05:00

This past weekend we took our kids to a local farm (Harris) and we went snow shoeing, and Malachi went XC skiing. It was a fun day. The little ones rode along in a pulk sled, and Logan fell asleep 10 minutes in. There were lots of falls, lots of snowballs, and lots of laughs. After that we went sledding and had some strawberry milk. It is fun to not have a newborn or be pregnant- we could all play! Something that I haven't had a lot of as a mommy!

Here are some pics!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=267909&id=570748545&l=96015aa8ef

A new year

2011-01-21T13:54:00.007-05:00

I am terrible at blogging. It's true. But I want to force myself to update this at least once a month (if not more) this year. I want to be able to look back at our lives, which is my favorite part of blogging.

Here are some snap shots of our day today. The kids are home from school, since we got even more snow. I love snow days!

They play out in the snow with our kitchen utensils. They are also playing on the deck which means I don't have to go out, but can watch them from inside while folding laundry. I do like to go out and sled with them, but not everyday!

Proof I have a million children;)

Breakfast/snack/lunch crumbs all over my floor.

What I have been up to:

We are changing around rooms. Malachi is moving downstairs to get his own room and Corbin is finally getting out of our room (moving in with Logan).

We leave for Haiti in 7 days! The packing has begun.

I have been reading- Choosing Gratitude by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It is a great book. She talks about how a lot of sin stems from the sin of ungratefulness. She shows in the Bible just how much we are commanded to be grateful, and she also has some practical ways to change your habits. "Ingratitude is our first step away from God."

So...I have this hallway that really needs to be painted. BUT I have decided to not allow myself to paint it until I fill it with things I am grateful for. I want to SEE all of my blessings that I choose not to see in my day to day life.

"I have learned that in every circumstance that comes my way, I can choose to respond in one of two ways: I can whine or I can worship! And I can't worship without giving thanks. It just isn't possible. When we choose the pathway of worship and giving thanks, especially in the midst of difficult circumstances, there is a fragrance, a radiance, that issues forth out of our lives to bless the Lord and others."

"Choosing gratitude rescues me from myself and my runaway emotions."

I am making my goal this year, my resolution so to speak, to be more grateful. I want to be a blessing to the Lord and those around me, especially my family.

Thoughts...

2010-06-22T21:31:00.002-04:00

I wish I could take credit for writing this, but I merely stumbled upon it looking for 'kids crafts' online. It really spoke to both Ben and I about Malachi...and I am putting it here so I can remember it.

I have been treating my son with unrealistic expectations
I have been forgetting lately that he is just a little boy
When he gets distracted mid task,
Or plays in a destructive way,
Or asks me the same thing over and over again,
After I have already given him my answer,

I have been finding myself getting frustrated
I have reached a level of intolerance that that taken over
I have some very lofty expectations
That I am beginning to see are way over his head

Five seems so big
It seems like he understands so much
And we can talk and have such deep and amazing conversation
But his consciousness is not the same as an adult consciousness
Just wrapped up in a little body
He is a child filled with wonder and imagination

The world is still so new to him
Of course he gets distracted
It only makes sense that he struggles with adult tasks
And it is my job to be there to guild him

So its time for me to change
To slow down and enjoy his childhood
One day I may not be his favorite person
to share his secrets with
But today I am

What are we FOR?

2010-06-09T08:34:00.002-04:00

So this will be interesting. In writing the below I (Ben) am mostly preaching to myself, but if God wants to use it to further his kingdom then I will not stand in the way.

I have been listening to The Hole in our Gospel by Richard Stearns. It is a great book by the way and if you haven’t read it I would recommend it. In the book Stearns talks about how Christians in America are more defined by what they are against then what they are for. This really got me thinking. It seems true. We are anti-abortion, anti-homosexuality, anti-atheism, anti-pornography and pretty much anti-anything that we disagree with. No wonder the world has such a negative view of the Church in America. We are negative people. We are defined by negativity. This got me to thinking what are we trying to accomplish with all this? We are living in a fallen world. The people who we are trying to control are fallen (just like you and me). They are not able to stop sinning, no matter how much we want to pass laws, or repeal Supreme Court decisions the only thing that will bring about change is Jesus working in their hearts. How stupid of us to try to bring about change in any other way. How arrogant! As if we can change hearts by changing outward actions. It is God who changes Hearts. Not Man.

But the good thing is that God does tell us what we can do. I have not done a thorough analysis of the Gospels for this, but from my memory on almost every occasion that Jesus talks about sin is him telling us to check ourselves. He calls the Pharisees to stop being hypocrites he calls us to get the speck out of our own eye. He calls on us to give freely. The two places where I can think of Jesus telling us to confront others (Mt. 18:15-20, Mt. 7:5 [one verse after two chapters about checking yourself]) it is with brothers, brothers who should also be following Christ. He does not say to go and condemn the world, that isn’t why he came. It isn't what we should be about. What we can do is Love.

John 13:34-35 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

I wonder how loved by the church the homosexual community feels. Jesus freely loved, even those who did not follow him. Jesus touched a leper, fed 9,000 people, ate with prostitutes and tax collectors, and did many other signs of love. This makes me ask, when was the last time I touched a HIV/AIDS patient, when was the last time I gave of my time, money, and energy to feed the hungry, when was the last time that I intentionally reached out to those who needed Jesus’ love the most? How about you? Hopefully you are doing better than me, but I believe that it is time for all Christians to start being defined by what we DO. It is time to show the world what we are for. Love. Justice. Caring for the Widows and Orphans. Imagine how things would be different. It would be much harder to recruit terrorists to kill Americans if it was Americans who were feeding the poor and caring for the widows and orphans worldwide. We would not need to evangelize the world because people would be asking us, what is it that makes us so different, so loving. We can then freely respond it is an overflow of the Love that God has shown us when while we still hated and despised him and did all we could to rebel against him, He sent his son to die, and it is by the grace of God that he has given me a new heart and spurs me on to the good works that he has called me to.

James 1:27 “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

I wonder what the ramifications for this will be in my life. On the shallow side two of my favorite T-Shirts are from an anti-abortion website so I will have to evaluate where those fit in my life. But I also have to check where my time, money, and effort is going. I pray that God will give me the strength to live the life that he has called me to, and to lead my family in the right direction.

We are family.

2010-06-08T14:20:00.006-04:00

Last night was no extraordinary night. We normally play outside with the kids after dinner, but this time...we brought the camera.

I see many nights in the future being spent in the driveway playing basketball.

If he will share

Mommy's can shoot too, but with more style.

Playing on the slide.

Logan made it his mission to bring every toy out of the basement, he likes to have options.

Note Malachi pretending to suck his thumb, "happy place, happy place"

5 1/2

Almost 5!

3

18 months!

She told Daddy she needed to fix his hair first.

That's better.

Silly Logan, always trying to make people laugh.

When did Corbin get so BIG?!

My favorite picture.

Two of my boys

Still most attached to Mommy.

But I am ok with that:)

Armpit Woes.

2010-06-03T09:08:00.006-04:00

I knew I said I would start talking about caring for our kids spiritually, but I am still getting through a book I really want to finish before I start those posts...So in OTHER random news...

Are you tired of worrying about how deodorant may or may not be connected to breast cancer? Are you struggling to find the right kind of aluminum free solution? Is your husband unhappy with how much money you have spent on natural deodorants, only to find out that they don't work? I have the solution for you! And for just 17 easy payments of $18.63...ok, ok, I am done;)

I have had a super hard time with deodorants my whole life. As in, stinging, itchy, rashes after using one for longer then 2 wks. I would have to change brands frequently and of course I was always worried about the aluminum in them (and how that is connected to breast cancer). All natural deodorants (including Crystal Rock) were just the same, working for a short period of time, then that nasty rash would appear. Being the skeptic I am, I went straight to the source that would know the answer to my problems, google. While visiting with my long acquainted and very informative friend, a strange suggestion was made. Milk of Magnesia. No, not for digestive issues, but for deodorant! It is not an antiperspirant, but sweating is a natural thing that your body does to cool itself down, and that really shouldn't be stopped. And it works, no stink! *enter hallelujah chorus*

I ran out to Target and bought some Phillips brand, original. I would have bought the off brand, but they didn't have any. I hear it works just as well. And I am here to say, I have been using it for about a month with NO ISSUES! I will update in another month to make sure, but I think this is the longest I have gone without itchy armpits, and if you have ever had that problem you must be able to hear the excitement in my words! Oh and if you try this, make sure to get the plain kind, and not strawberry or something, unless you want pink pits. I simply use cotton balls to rub the liquid on, and then it dries. It can also be used as a facial mask if you experience oily skin. The only downside to this whole thing is that the people at Target will think you are constipated. But hey, if you are...you have TWO reasons to buy this magical stuff:)

Safe Sunscreens

2010-05-20T12:42:00.005-04:00

I always wondered what I was slathering on my kids everyday in the summer, and until about 2 years ago, I had no clue. Lucky for me, a bunch of other Mama's already did the research on this one. So check out the reason why you should look for alternative sunscreens here. This is a link provided in that last article that has a list of the safest ones. And finally, the SafeMama's 2010 Safer Sunscreen Cheat Sheet. Before reading these, I used Aveeno Baby SPF 55 and had been using it for about 2 yrs, which rates a 4 on skindeep. It is reasonably priced, so if you don't want to have to bother ordering online, you can buy that or Burt's Bees which is also a 4 at any Target/Walmart. I have heard though, that Burt's Bees is hard to rub in and leaves a filmy white residue. This year, we ordered Purple Prairie's Sun Stuff, and like it so far. Logan says it smells bad, but I don't think it has much of a smell at all. It feels heavier like it won't rub in well, but then it does! We have been happy with it, and would purchase it again. You can also make your own, but you would have to buy Zinc Oxide. Then of course, there is the ultimate natural sun protection- a light long sleeve shirt and a sun hat. Maybe your kids are more disciplined then mine, but I am lucky if they keep pants on outside, let alone shirts, shoes or hats. I think living in the woods will be a good thing for them, and the rest of society.

This concludes my mini series on alternative products for kids. I once again want to mention, that if you don't use these things and go more main stream, don't sweat it. Yes, I feel it is important for me to research and find the best things to use on my family. My husband has asked that I do this as a way to serve our family. Sometimes they are more (a lot more!) expensive, and to use them wouldn't have been possible for us in the past. Please also know that we are not putting our faith in using less toxic things, because we know Who is ultimately in control. And if the Lord chooses for one of our kids to endure a physical trial to bring Him glory, then it won't matter what products we are using to prevent that from happening. I read this article today on Proverbs 31 Ministries I love how honest the writer is. I have found myself grasping for too much control in my childrens lives already, and it was a great reminder that God has planned their lives far before they were born.

"When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:15-16)

A quote from Crazy Love says this, "Worry implies we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives."

To end, yes, I want to do my best at raising the kids God gave me. By caring about their physical health, but more importantly, their souls. Which is what my next couple of blog posts will be about. Caring for our kids spiritually, and what that can look like. I am hoping it will be more of a discussion, because I know that I don't have it all figured out, and that it is something that we could all add our wisdom to.

Until then...

Go play in the sun:)

Homemade wipes

2010-05-11T12:53:00.009-04:00

I have always thought that cloth wipes would really be the way to go, since they are reusable and the spray you make for them is homemade (read: chemical free). But Ben has never been on board with them. I don't push the issue because he does change cloth diapers, and even wash them from time to time. I will count myself blessed and move on...

My sister-in-law taught me how to make these when we moved to PA. She is a hippie, enough said. I can say that now, because she has dreads;) But really, making wipes yourself is a great way to control what you are rubbing on that soft baby's butt!

Buying organic/natural wipes aren't TOO expensive, but still more then I would like to pay for something that cleans up poop. Has anyone tried walmart's? If you buy Seventh Generation wipes, they go for around $6 for 80. Or if you are lucky enough to be as cool as my BFF and score some super on sale bamboo wipes for more then half off, buy those! But for those of us who are not as fortunate to spend extra pennies on nicer wipes or score great finds...we can make our own:)

Here is a little picture tutorial for you...

You will need the following:
*Vive or Bounty paper towels. You really can't skimp here and get the cheaper ones, because they will tear mid wipe and your hand will then become the wipe, not my idea of a good time. I actually prefer Bounty, but got Vive because they were on sale this week.
*Coconut Oil (can be pricey to buy, but if you use it for other things, and know about it's benefits, it is well worth the extra $$)
*Some kind of baby wash/shampoo/soap (and this is optional, but I like to have a slight scent to them and know in my head they are getting a 'mini' bath because it has soap. Don't tell me I am the only mom who has been too tired to give baths and scrubbed her children down with baby wipes from time to time...)
*A tupperware container. This one is tricky. It will have to be able to fit the paper towels and have a secure top. You can also use your old wipe container if you cut the roll into thirds instead of half. Then change the liquid amount accordingly.
*water
*a sharp knife.
* not a pineapple, that was just sitting on my counter.

First you need to psych yourself up and get your muscles ready to do some hard work, cutting the paper towel roll in half. You would think this wouldn't be very hard. I was sweating. Granted, I am out of shape, but still, prepare yourself.

I would normally look for the kind without a picture on it, since all of that dye probably makes these pointless, but I was at Target, and this was all they had. So I just bought them. It will make a tad of a mess. Just brush off the fuzzies and set it aside.

Next up measure 2 cups of water, and bring it to a boil.

Now you mix into the water, 1-2 TBSP of coconut oil, and a squirt or two of soap. (very precise!)

Now, I actually made my wipes yesterday and in my haste forgot to take pics of the whole thing. So the wipes you see in the container, are actually already done. Your half a roll of paper towels will be sticking up out of your container and may look like they don't fit. That is ok...they will shrink down. So shove your paper towel roll into the container and then pour the mixture over them.

Put the lid on the container and put it upside down for 5 min.

(yes, this is not rotated. I only have 30min of computer time while the kids nap, sorry! I know you are all smart and know what upside down looks like)

Then come back after 5 min and flip back over, open the top and pull the cardboard out of the center. It will come out nice and easy. And, drumroll....you have wipes!

Pull from the middle! Another point to make is, if you can find them but the select a size ones, then you can have smaller wipes for smaller jobs.

These do mildew/mold so make sure you actually use them. If you don't go through a container of wipes within 2-3 wks, put them in the fridge. Your baby may not like the cool wipes on his/her bum, or maybe they will if it's 80 degrees outside!

Good luck and let me know if you make them!

Mini Series- safe shampoos

2010-05-10T13:35:00.004-04:00

For in the kingdom of God there shouldn’t be the Whole Foods clique and the McDonalds crowd or the La Leche playgroup and the Enfamil playgroup, or the homeschooling moms versus the public-school moms. There should just be the church. United by the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I am starting this blog with that quote, because it is so wise. It comes from GirlTalk, a great blog if you have never checked it out. I think what it is saying is so true! Although we may have different ways of doing things as moms, that doesn't matter. We should stand strong on the thing we do have in common, which is being daughters of Christ. If we are friends with unbelievers (which I hope we are!) We shouldn't be known for our parenting choices, but by our love for each other!

I am going to start a mini series on alternative children 'grooming' supplies as my husband would like to call them. I was hesitant to write this post, because I don't want to come off as sounding snobby, or that my way is the only way, because it certainly is not! We as moms have to do what we think is best for our kids, and we have to do what are convictions tell us to. Yes, I use mostly organic stuff on my kids. Does this mean we can't be friends if you don't? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I simply try to control my environment inside my home. If we go to a playdate together and you bring snacks, I promise, I won't check the ingredient list, because I don't care. If we are at the beach and I forget my kids sunscreen, you better believe I will use yours, and not think twice. See, we all grew up slathering who knows what on us, eating crappy food, and we are fine! My sister for example, feeds her kids a very healthy diet. When they go out to eat though, her boys get to choose anything off the menu they want (which always includes a rootbeer and normally a hotdog, so cute). I, being the little sister, am following in her footsteps on that rule. Because when it comes down to it, #1- eating out is a special treat, and #2- if we control ALL of their eating habits, they will turn 12 and refuse anything healthy. All that to say, just because I have convictions about what is soaked into my kids skin, doesn't mean you have to. BUT...for anyone who does want suggestions on alternative shampoos, lotions, etc. This may prove helpful to you because you won't have to play trial and error like me, you can just save your money and buy the stuff that works the first time.

First up: Shampoos

A tool that has been helpful for me in deciding what products are safe for my family has been Skin Deep. It is a database that has many of the common products we use. It rates them on a scales of 1-10 and tells you which ingredients to avoid, and which ones are okay.

I started using Burt's Bees Baby Shampoo and Wash- which got a 2 on Skin Deep. We liked it, especially because it is tear free. It goes for about $7 and last us (with 4 kids) 1-2 months.

I then tried out Target's Method Squeaky Green Hair and Body wash($5). It rates at a 4 at Skin Deep which I wasn't thrilled about, Johnson's Baby Wash is also a 4, and is cheaper for a bigger bottle. It was tear free, and lasted us the same about of time. I also really loved the smell. But beware, different scents have different ratings at Skin Deep, that goes for any brand.

Next we tried Chagrin Valley Shampoo Bars. They rate a 0-1 at Skin Deep. Which was the lowest I could find. I started out by ordering sample bars, which cost about $2, and they are pretty big! We have tried 5 different scents, and they have all been great. The only downside, is that they are NOT tear free. This wasn't a deal breaker for me, as everyone but Logan needed conditioner anyways, and that wasn't tear free either. We then ordered their regular size bars (about 2 months ago), and with everyone using them, including Ben and I, they are still going strong. Obviously you have to make sure they stay dry, and not in a stream of water, or get dropped in a tub for too long, or they won't last as long. Ben and I use an infused apple cider vinegar rinse on our hair for conditioner (me) and dandruff control (him). The kids no longer need conditioner- you can find out why and a bunch of other great info here. I also have ordered other products from Chagrin Valley, and have loved them all...but I will post about those more later.

So that has been our shampoo journey. I never invested a ton of $ into products like California Baby, although I hear they are great. I think we will stick with Shampoo bars, because they are simple, and that is what I like. Something that everyone can use.

Next up, homemade wipes!

Can I brag for a moment?

2010-04-29T08:13:00.004-04:00

I may be a bit bias, but I am pretty confident that one of the best guys out there, chose to ask me to marry him. I think that marriage is a process of continually learning about each other. At least that is what is has been for us. It is not always peaches and cream around here, mainly because of the season we are in. Raising kids, not much time alone or for date nights, moving...again. But when we do get away, and get some quality time to spend together, we get to feel that lovin' feeling again. We get to remember that it was not just a choice we made to love each other, but that we truly love who the other person is, and that we would choose each other all over again. Which is what we got to do this weekend for his birthday- it was full of laughing, romantic surprises and hand holding. Not that we don't love each other in the midst of our life, but it's nice to be able to escape and be responsibility free for a short period of time (who I am joking, I missed the kids the whole time!).

But it's not just when we get away that I can feel he loves me. It's the random notes I wake up to from time to time that are full of encouragement and reminders of God's love for me. It's when I am going through a hard time and he reads scripture to me knowing that although he can't fix me, he can point me to the one who can. It is the way he is always buying me books that I mention I want to read. It is the way he is faithful to doing devotions with our kids every night and leading our family in prayer. It is even the way he sweeps the floor and wipes up the baby after dinner.

The best part of it all, is how much I can see God working in his life and how much he wants to be the man God has called him to be. Ok I will admit it, he does have some flaws ;) But the fact of it is, we all do. We all struggle in one way or another. But we are in luck, because we have a God who love for us isn't based on whether or not we have it right, or wrong. His love for us is unconditiona l, and that friends, is something to brag about!

My need for a savior

2010-04-27T10:02:00.005-04:00

I wrote this in April, and now I am ready to post it.

When I was a teenager, I always envied people who came to the faith at an older age. It just seemed more authentic to me. They had so much to be saved from, whether it be a life of drugs and sex or a broken home life that left scars, they needed a savior, and he literally saved them. I accepted Christ as my savior when I was 4. I spent the rest of my childhood wondering whether or not I was taken seriously. I spent my teenage years trying to live passionately for God, but having a twisted view of who God was. It is almost like I thought I had something in me worth saving. I knew I was only saved by faith not by works, but somewhere along the line, my thinking became that of, "as long as I do these things, God will be pleased with me".

We have moved a lot in our short 6 years of marriage. We have seriously stopped keeping count. We get teased about this a lot, and while some of the moves were 'just because', we can see how God has used different places to minister to us. If you haven't heard, we are moving back to Maine this summer. The job Ben has, he originally applied for in Portland (they have offices both in ME and PA). They offered him the job in PA, and we took it since the job he had was going to be ending. We thought that we would stay here for at least 5 years, maybe start helping in ministry somewhere, but we have learned that 'our' plans, rarely happen. It just so happens that if Ben was offered the job once month prior or one month after when he was offered it, he would have been working in Maine. But there was a one month window, where the job had to be in PA. And although moving is really annoying and a lot of work, I am so happy that we were here for the short time we have been. This time has been a season of healing and rest and learning about the grace of God.

I have heard about the grace of God before, and knew what it meant, but not fully because of my incorrect view of God. Ben and I have been through a lot in our marriage, whether is was the 3 miscarriages, or my health scare, adoption issues, or just moving a lot- it felt like we were constantly under a 'crap cloud' and it wouldn't blow over. During these times, I felt like I was being tested repeatedly and not passing the test, so God would do it again. I didn't view him as a loving or gracious God. I viewed him more as a strict teacher who kept passing me an exam, I would struggle to get through it in my own strength, give it back to him with hopeful eyes, and he would look it over then shake his head in disappointment as he reach for another exam to give me. Then the process would keep repeating itself.

I have never heard the word 'grace' more then I have since moving here and going to our current church. Listening to our pastor felt like a a glass of cold water for a tired soul. I am not saying that every other pastor or my parents had it wrong, or taught me a twisted view of God, I just think that God was ready to teach me something now. The events in my life had lead to me to this point, and my heart was ready to receive and understand.

Something was missing. I just knew it. Our lives would not be complete without her. That is how I felt when we started the adoption process. We got a referral of a little girl, and I instantly loved her, Malachi (3) named her Gabby and we all agreed to keep it. Her mom apparently had a deep love for her too, and changed her mind, and stopped the adoption. That was extremely hard for me, and I am not sure I ever really processed it. A month later we were given another referral and my first thought was, "that isn't gabby". In Mayla's referral picture she was crying and looked miserable, which is exactly how I felt. (I am not sure if that subconsciously set the tone for me and her or not, but sometimes I wonder if that was the starting point of not feeling love for her.) We started to learn more about her and get more pictures, of her smiling, and we were just as excited to adopt her. The time came, we went to Ethiopia to get her and when we arrived, she ran to the other family and started hugging them. When someone told her that wasn't her family, and pointed her to me, she ran away. I ran after her, and we slowly bonded that first day. Then we brought her back to our guest house and the following 3 days where full of tears (from both of us) she would hit me, spit on me, bite me. She smelled terrible (later to find out she had who knows how old meat shoved up her nose!), I didn't know how to wash her hair, she screamed at me in a language I didn't understand. Needless to say, we were both frustrated. I knew that it wouldn't be a fairytale. I had read about what to expect, but somehow reading about it, and experiencing it is completely different. I remember being in the car on the way home from the airport and everyone was sleeping except me and just bawling. Ben's mom asked what was wrong and I told her "I think I just ruined my life". That is how I felt. To top things off, two weeks later we found out I was pregnant and Ben was leaving the church he had been the youth pastor at for 2 yrs, and we were moving back to Maine. I can see God's love for me in that situation, because he knew I would need my family during the next year more then ever. My pregnancy with Corbin was terrible. Yes, I had physical pain (my pelvic bone separated) but I was also still trying to bond with this little girl who felt like she didn't belong. I was grieving the family I used to have, and the person I used to be. Sin crept in my heart and my actions towards Mayla. My phrase that "I just ruined my life" turned into, "she ruined our lives". I would beg Ben to find another family for her, because obviously she deserved better then me. I was lost in sin, and for a long time. I would try on my own efforts to make things better. I would seek advice from other adoptive mom's, but their lives seemed so perfect, and their love for their children so effortless, so it would end up making me feel like I had even more problems. I would read books about attachment and try new techniques to grasp at anything that would help me love my daughter. I felt like such a hypocrite. People who knew me, didn't know this was going on. I bought into the ultimate lie of sin that told me everyone would judge me and only see my sin and be disgusted with me, like I was by myself. I hated who I had become. I have since talked to many adoptive moms who have experienced the same thing. I feel like if more people were honest and real, it would help sin be exposed and help us shine the light of God's love on other peoples lives, when they can't find it themselves...but that is another post.

Corbin's birth was wonderful. I glimpse of God's love for me again. It made me feel human again, and having a baby who I loved made me fee like I was capable of love, and maybe that all wasn't lost. Things were staring to look up. Not that my issues with Mayla were fixed, more just pushed to the side as the baby took most of my time and care, and I was ok with that because I felt so lost in that situation, that I welcomed any distraction. Little did I know I was about to get on another rollacoaster. When Corbin was 2 months old, I randomly lost my vision one night. I had migraines a lot in the past, and thought that was what it was. We got concerned when it lasted for about 10 hrs at a time (with migraines it was 20 min) and was happening for a week straight. We went to the Dr and they told us that it was probably just a postpartum virus but to call if it happens again. The next day just happened to be Mayla's surgery to remove her tonsils and adenoids and while I knew it was going to be hard on her, I was secretively happy she was having it, because I thought for sure that my mother instincts would kick in when she actually NEEDED me. We got to the hospital that morning and I lost my vision again. While Mayla was in surgery we called the dr's and they said they wanted me to get to the neuros office asap. Luckily, I did get to go in and see her right after surgery. She was coming off gas, so she was really scared. She was crying for Ben, not me. But I went anyways and sang her veggietales, which is what she wanted. "God is bigger then the boogie man, and He's watching out for you and me". I think that was a small turning point for us. If only I had grasped the words that were coming out of my mouth. Yes they are from a silly kids movie, but it was what I needed to hear, and to believe, especially for what was about to come. The neurologist was across the street, so Ben made the decision that it was best that I go, and he stayed with Mayla in the hospital. I drove myself over(while barely seeing) and talked to the Dr. He ordered emergency MRI's because he thought I had a blood clot in my brain. My mom rushed to the hospital to get Mayla and bring her home, and Ben and I spent the rest of our day not knowing what was happening. I got home, and while I was upset that I missed being able to care for Mayla when she first got home, I was overcome with fear at what the MRI was going to show. The Dr finally called and told me he was 95% sure I had MS. After he said that, everything else he said literally sounded like jumbled noise to me, I silently hang up the phone and told Ben. Ben shot a million questions at me, and I couldn't answer any of them. He called the Dr back and got the information that I would need more testing and brain scans over the next couple weeks and that I needed to get steroids for a week to stop the vision loss. For the next week, I went to the hospital early each morning and sat with the cancer patients while I received my steroid treatments. I was swollen and hungry and a huge bag of mixed emotions. A month goes by, test results come in, and I don't have MS. I have what they call, Clinically Isolated Syndrome. Which is basically one of the episodes of MS. If I ever get another one, I will be diagnosed with having MS. I have an 60% chance of developing it. I thought this would bring relief to me, but instead, it made me live in fear everyday. We did a lot of research on the causes of MS. Food and diet seemed to be a big trigger of the episodes, so I went on an extreme diet and recorded every twinge, tingle, and random pain I had to see if it was another episode. I thought that this was my punishment for not being able to love my daughter. It sounds so silly to say now, but when you are so deep in lies and sin, nothing makes sense.

I had a follow up MRI, and it showed healing. Ben and I decided I should go off of my diet. Things had gotten better with Mayla, but only because of my ignoring it. Things weren't bad, but they weren't great. Just stagnant, or lukewarm. I was no longer harboring feelings of anger for Mayla, and I had a desire to love her, but the actual love wasn't there. We then moved again, to an apartment 2 miles from the beach. It was summer, it was amazing. We got some much needed physical recharged and family time. I spent nearly everyday at the beach with the kids, came home to feed them lunch and put them to nap, and then went back to the beach alone to read (Ben worked from home). It was marvelous. When I heard we had to move for a job, I was sad that this season in my life was ending. But I know from the past, that when God leads me out of a season and into another one, it is normally for my own good. Enter moving to PA.

When we got here, we starting going to a church plant that we love (and that I mentioned earlier). We joined a small group, which has shown us the importance of fellowship, prayer and caring for other Christians in your life. I said before it has been a time of healing, which is so true. Like I said, all we heard about was 'grace' being here. I read a book about showing your kids grace, and that has helped me tremendously with Mayla. I want to be a mimic of God's love for my kids. I finally got to the point where I should have started with my relationship with Mayla. I laid it before the Lord and told Him that I couldn't do it on my own. That I needed Him to give me love for her. Slowly I started noticing a difference. Things she said were cute to me. The way she giggled made me smile. I liked being around her. When she was gone, things didn't feel right. I can honestly say that today, I love her as much as I love the boys. Which is a big deal for me. There was a time in my life when I didn't know which kid I would save first from a disaster. Now I know for sure, I would save whichever one I could. This is all due to God's grace in my life. I think I could have come to this place a lot sooner if I had realized that although I was no longer living in sin against Mayla, that it was still over me in the guilt I carried around. This whole experience has shown me my need for a Savior. I know that there is absolutely NOTHING in me that is worth saving. And I now know how truly lost I would be without my sweet savior. Anytime someone tells me that Mayla is lucky that we adopted her, I say while choking back tears, that I am the lucky one.

Our pastor gave a mini series on trust. This came at a crucial point for me. Although it had been almost a year since my MS scare, I still lived in fear everyday. Every time I ate, or worked out, or my eyes felt like the were messing up, or every twinge, numbness or ANYTHING I felt, I would think that it must be coming back. I would wake up every morning thinking that today was the day it was coming back. I was scared to be alone, I was scared to drive the kids anywhere. Listening to the truth in the messages that were preached, was both hard and helpful. I don't think I realized how serious of a sin it was to live in fear. It was basically saying that I didn't believe in God, or what He did for me, or that he loves me and cares for me. I found myself admitting that I questioned whether or not God had good things for me. I got to the point that I thought God just wanted to bring me through trial after trial to see how much I can take without breaking. This whole time I have been trying to deepen my relationship with God, but out of a fear of what would happen if I didn't, not out of a love I had for him. I was trying to gain control of every situation, searching my brain for why I was going through whatever it was, and I would come up with a million reasons. Ben would graciously tell me that I was wrong, and that God loved me, but I never listened to him. I was still terrified of not passing my current trial with flying colors, on my own strength. It got to the point where I was sure that God was going to take one of my kids from me. What was next? I had miscarriages, obviously didn't get whatever I was supposed to from that. Became a failure at a dream I had (adopting), and had my own health taken for a little while. The series at church help me realized how none of my thoughts were coming from God at all. I had a twisted image of Him and who I thought He was. I was never angry with him, more scared of Him. The big part I was missing is how much He loved ME. It was like all of a sudden a light bulb turned on in my head, and in my heart. I could look back and see how faithful He has been to me over the years. Yes, I went through some terrible things, but I am still a happy person. He has protected me from depression. He has protected our marriage and we have always been happy and in love. He has protected Mayla from a hard 1st year home and she is a happy little girl who loves the Lord and her mommy. The list goes on. His Grace HAS BEEN sufficient for me in my times of need, so I can have faith that it will be for the future. His grace has seen me through everything. Sin didn't devour me and it no longer rules me. I don't have to live in condemnation or guilt because I know that the price has already been paid for me.

I wish it hadn't taken me 5 years and countless trials to figure this out. Now that I have, I can't fathom how many hours have been wasted in worry, how I had given the devil such a foothold on my life and how I allowed my entire view of my loving Father to become that of a villain. I think that God waited until now to show me this (which seems so simple and like it was in front of me the whole time, knowing the 'sunday school answer' and believing it, is something completely different)because of how sweet it would feel on my soul and how refreshing it would be in this season of my life. I know that I can face tomorrow without fear because God is in control, and that is beautifully freeing. I know I can face tomorrow without guilt because I know he paid the price.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know, He holds the future
Life is worth the living, just because He lives.

2010-04-16T19:32:00.002-04:00

Friday Blessings...
A husband working from home
Sun shining while out doing errands
Special time with one seriously adorable 15 month old (who glared at everyone at Trader Joe's until he caught Mama's eye and smiled ear to ear.)
Sticky hands, carseat, and face from Joe Joe's on the way home
Seeing my youngest perched on sissy's lap for TV time
An encouraging blog post from a fellow adoptive mom
playing frisbee outside with my family, 4 of whom were wearing superhero capes while doing so
a warm summer(ish) rain and staying outside for the puddles
having fun in the kitchen with my husband as we make dinner together
kids asking for seconds of something they promised they hated
Sickness dissipating
Bible stories with lots of questions

Swiss Chard, who knew?

2010-04-13T14:20:00.007-04:00

Thanks to my sister who got me Rachel Ray's magazine for the second year as a birthday present, I am continually finding great recipes to coerce my family into eating. Some people get into ruts of eating the same thing week after week, but I am on the other side of the spectrum. My kids beg me to make something 'old', meaning something that they have had before. Hello, my name is Amber and I am a recipe/trying new food junkie. Luckily, I have a brave partner in crime (or should I say enabler?) who loves to try new things, he is also a stud, which makes it effortless to keep him around. Here is what we had for dinner last night.

Couscous with Swiss Chard and Feta

INGREDIENTS:

* 2 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil
* 3 cloves garlic, chopped
* 1 ¼ cups Israeli couscous
* 1 14-ounce can vegetable broth
* 2/3 cup golden raisins
* salt and pepper
* 1 bunch swiss chard, stems and leaves chopped separately
* One 15-ounce can chickpeas, rinsed
* 2 ounces crumbled feta cheese

DIRECTIONS:

In a saucepan, heat 1 Tb olive oil over medium heat. Add half of the garlic and the couscous and cook, stirring, for 3 minutes. Add the broth; bring to a boil. Cover, lower the heat and simmer until the broth has been absorbed, about 10 minutes. Stir in the raisins, season with salt.

Meanwhile, in a skillet, heat the remaining 1 Tb olive oil over medium heat. Add the remaining garlic and the swiss chard stems and cook, stirring occasionally, for 5 minutes. Add the swiss chard leaves, chickpeas, and ½ cup water, cover and cook, until the chard is wilted (2-3 min); season with salt and pepper. Serve on the couscous and top with feta.

That is the original recipe from the magazine. I didn't add raisins (not a fan) and also used an herb and white wine broth instead of vegetable (it's what I had). I don't normally like so much garlic, but this was really good. I think what makes it is the Israeli Couscous, it is bigger then normal couscous, and almost taste like a tiny pasta ball. I am not sure if they sell it at normal grocery stores, I found mine at Trader Joes.

I am really wishing I had taking a picture of it! I had a big salad on the side, and broiled some whole wheat tortillas with butter and parsley. My husband, who should have been born in a culture that doesn't use the fork, wear shoes, and where the men drink tea vigorously, had the stellar idea of using the toasted tortillas as a scoop for the couscous mixture and it was amazing!

I am almost positive this meal is healthy so it's great for diets. But I am pretty sure that going out to mcdonalds for icecream, after bath time, at the request of your 3 year old, takes away any brownie (or should I say swiss chard?) points you earned by eating this for dinner.

The real Ronald Mcdonald

Let me know if you make it, and what you think:) Happy cooking!

Playing catch up

2010-04-11T16:00:00.008-04:00

Easter:
Egg dying, Easter candy eating, Jesus praising, family gathering, egg finding fun.

Tuesday after Easter:
"Mommy my tummy hurts", hearing gagging from the back of the car, three kids down in 2 hours flat. Spent the rest of vacation resting, snuggling watching tv, and cleaning up after sick kids.

Saturday: First day of tball

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Today:
Children rise early and come downstairs aware it is Sunday which means church. Due to a lingering stomach bug, and to the kids disappointment, church had to be skipped. Then they spotted it, a surprise from their daddy. New tball gear. Eyes filled with anticipation, they beg to go outside immediately and start the day off in the early morning sun. After being persuaded to at least eat breakfast and get dressed first, we all trample outside at 9am ready for a day of undoubted excitement.

My heart overflows with joy when I step up to bat, and my children fill the bases. "Hit us home Mommy!" is the cry. However there is one player that towers high above all the rest, he catches the ball and proceeds to tag all of us, with eyes on me, he starts to chase me. The children get to see what love looks like as mommy and daddy laugh and flirtatiously run around the bases until at last daddy tags mommy tackling her to the ground. The sound of giggling children, the smell of the dirt and sweat, the heat of the sun on my face, the devotion of a loving husband and father, today was perfect.
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Here are some dresses I made for Mayla this afternoon. They took me about 1 1/2 hrs to complete.

They were all made from old clothes. Two shirts, one skirt, and a nighty. The green was is her favorite, I think it is mine too.

Memories

2010-03-30T16:54:00.005-04:00

Easter has always been my favorite holiday, I think it has to do with all of the memories tied to it. When I was little I remember the excitement leading up to it. Dying eggs, getting things ready for a big family lunch, Easter cantatas, the sunrise service and of course the resurrection, just the wonder and miracle of it all. I have never been so homesick then when we lived in Michigan, and were alone on Easter. We still got new Easter clothes and went to church. But when everyone was leaving to go spend time with their family, we went home, alone. I didn't even have an Easter lunch planned, we were poor and buying a spiral ham was out of the question. I got into bed and cried. Logan was just a newborn and the two of us curled up and took a nice long nap. When I woke up 2 hrs later, I could have sworn I smelled a ham cooking. I figured Ben was making bacon. Then he came into our room and told me dinner was done. I went into the living room, and there on the floor, he had an entire Easter dinner prepared, picnic style! Spiral ham, mashed potatoes, peas, rolls, salad, and dessert. It was one of the sweetest things he has ever done for me. When I was sleeping, him and Malachi went to the store and bought all of the food, then came home and cooked it. Apparently, he got the ham at a super discount because it was past lunch time on Easter. :)

Another fond memory I have of Easter is of my Grandmother. She always made me and my sisters new Easter dresses every year. A week or so before we would go over (she lived across the street) to her house and she would take the half finished dress and try it on us for measurements. I remember standing in her sewing room and smelling roses, which is what her whole house smells like. Anytime I smell roses, I think of her. She would try it on us, and in her mouth she would have all of the pins she was going to use to secure it. It used to scare me that she might swallow one on accident. Then the day would come and we got to wear them to church. All three dresses were always coordinating with the fabric or style, but not the same entirely. I felt so beautiful in it. So original and unique. That is a perfect example of how our Savior made us. Although we all have similarities, he choose to give us each things that are special to just us, which make us feel truly loved and diverse.

In hoping to pass down those memories to my daughter, I made her an Easter dress today. I made it out of one of my old long sleeve blouses. I used an old curtain and actually some old fabric of my grandmothers, that as I ironed, smelled like roses! It was a very nostalgic day.
While I was trying it on her, with pins in my mouth, I was telling her all about how my Grandmother used to do that, and not to be scared , that I wouldn't swallow one!

Here she is!

I would still love an Easter dress every year, but my grandmother has given up sewing, and loves to knit now. She has made my children some beautiful things, and for Christmas this year, she made me a shawl that is gorgeous. Hopefully, I can get exceptional (with lots of practice!) at making things to bless my family like she has!

And today was much better. I got all the chores done, did school with the kids, then made her dress while they napped! On Friday we are going to Maine to be with my family for Easter. We will be staying in my Grandparent's house (they are in FL right now) and be smelling like roses the whole week:)

Have a blessed Easter!

More salvaged shirts! And a lesson...

2010-03-29T19:55:00.013-04:00

I spent today sewing. Sounds relaxing, but truthfully...I had a minor panic attack when I looked at the clock and realized Ben would be home in 30 min. He was getting home early, I still hadn't showered, kids were in PJ's, breakfast dishes were still in the sink and unfolded laundry on the couch with no dinner prospect on the horizon. So although I am happy with the results of my sewing, I think I will save it for after 8 when kids are in bed and Ben is reading. Doing things for me is fun, but not if my family suffers by me neglecting them in the process. That Proverbs 31 woman had it right, she got up and did everything before anyone was awake. Most of all, I don't want my kids to remember me as being to busy for them. Or by always saying, "wait a minute", "no we can't do art, mommy is busy", "do you want me to turn on a movie?". Thankfully, God's love/mercy/grace is new for me each morning. Tomorrow we will try again!

Here are my creations today. This tank top has a $78 price tag on it. While that is actually on the cheaper side for anthropologie, there is no way I would ever spend $78 on a tank top! Think of all of the things I could buy with $78! Surly more then a tank top. I will take the "Chipper Chicken"

Whoa- side tracked! Here is that tank...

Here is my spin on it. I took this old shirt (that had some holes in it)

And turned it into this. It doesn't look exactly like it, but like I said, it had some holes, so I had to place things 'artistically';)

Here is the other shirt I made. I didn't copy anything in particular. This was from an old maternity long sleeved shirt.

I have a lot of more ideas floating around in my head! But for tonight, I need to go make my husband's (and exchange student's) lunch for tomorrow.

My upcycled clothing adventure begins!

2010-03-24T12:33:00.007-04:00

The weather has been beautiful lately. It makes me want to be creative. Plant a garden, embellish my curtains, paint, sew, etc. I think my kids are feeling the need for creativity as well, since they colored all of our stones on our walkway with chalk, unfortunately it rained the next day before I snapped a picture. Lucky for us, they also colored on our steps that are covered by the overhang of the house, so some of the artwork remains. Logan even drew me a stink bug! If you knew my aversion to those critters, you would know how naughty he was being!

Since living here I have fallen in love with Anthropologie. There is NOTHING in that store that I don't love.Normally, the fact that I don't have a ton of money to buy clothes or stuff for my house doesn't bother me. After being in that store, it's harder not to care! So being the Mainer that I am (for those of you that don't get that- everyone in Maine yardsales every Saturday form May-Sep, it's tradition. My mother-in-law taught me to trash dive...aka, drive around on trash night and look for big items that people are throwing away- don't judge! We have gotten a lot of cool stuff that way, PLUS it's recycling!) My point...I am going to attempt to make clothing and things for my house with my anthropologie inspired ideas. And lucky for all of you that read this blog, or maybe more lucky for me that no one does, I will be posting all of my accomplishments here!

This first one was just the easiest, because I found a tutorial for it online. It isn't a replica of anything in particular, more just that romantic style. You can check out the tutorial here. I took a t-shirt that was in my giveaway pile, and cut it up, sewed it and walla, a new shirt. It literally took 10 min, and that included having to find my scissors which probably took 4.

Here are my pictures, I will get better at taking them, or at the very least, wash my mirror first next time.

I am sure my sisters will see this and immediately tell me I am doing my, "mirror face". You know, the face someone makes when they look into a mirror. If you are so unlucky to not have a sister that graciously mocks you by imitating it for you, I am truly sorry. Next time we are together, let's pull out a mirror, and I will lovingly show you how foolish your, "mirror face" is.

Let the growing begin!

2010-03-07T16:46:00.010-05:00

Well moving to PA has had at least one great benefit. The growing season lasts about two months longer. I am hoping to capitalize on that with a large harvest from our small garden. The average last frost date is April 16th. Since we are planning on container gardening we will probably try to plant close to that date, and then be ready to cover anything in case of a late frost. So being that the date is 6 weeks away we got to planting the peppers and tomatoes today.

Another high note is that we got three herbs for Amber's herb garden. Produce Junction had them for a good price, they are in our three season room hopefully to grow large and produce well.

Crunchy Towels Rule

2010-01-16T13:45:00.009-05:00

Lately I have been looking for projects that will make our house more energy efficient. Basically I am looking for ways to cut costs so that our budget has more room to breathe and we can pay off debt faster. Exciting, right?

We like to use a clothes line during the warmer months (there is nothing like the feeling of putting on your shorts, to find that you are now sharing them with a grasshopper), but we were trying to figure out how to air dry our clothes during the winter since putting them outside would just make them freeze. So we decided to look into ways of making a drying rack that can be used inside, but also fold up and be put away when we need the extra living space. After looking online to see different drying racks I decided that I could make one myself- Amber always tells me I am overly confident, and think I can make anything myself. Although the solar powered car idea was a bit much (that is a joke), I KNEW I could handle a drying rack. I decided to make a basic tepee style rack since it would be the fastest to complete. Here are the details of how I made it. Oh and for the books, this did not turn into a 'Ben Project' which is what my wife lovingly refers to when a project a) takes longer then the projected time. As in hrs or days or weeks, b) requires one or more additional trips to Lowes after the original supply trip, or c) Is 'jimmy-rigged' in some way, shape, or form.

Materials and approximate cost.

4- 1x3x8 pine boards - $5
6- 1/2in dowels - $12
5- 5/8in dowels - $15
1- 1/2in drill bit - $3
1- 5/8in drill bit - free I already had one.
Drill
Muscle *see note in Step 4.

Total cost $35

Most of the cost as you see is associated with the dowels. If I were to do this project again I might look around for some other materials that could be substituted like old curtain rods, or maybe even look into using clothes line tied tightly. Borrowing tools is another way to save money, but after asking around and not finding a 1/2in bit I bit the bullet and bought one.

Steps:

1) Cut the 1x3 boards to 78in. I went with 1x3s because I was able to get them for cheap by looking through the pieces of strapping at Lowes. I thought about doing 1x2s but I was worried about the strength once I drilled the holes through them.

2) Measure 6 inches from the top of the board and mark the board, then make additional marks each foot down the length for a total of 6 marks. Do this for all 4 1x3s.

3) Drill with the 5/8th bit at the top three marks and 1/2in bit at the bottom three. I went with the 5/8 for the top holes so that heavier items like towels and bead spreads could be put there, then I went with 1/2in on the bottom to save money.

4) Make two "ladders" by putting the dowels through the 1x3s in the right sized holes. The top dowel will go through all 4 boards bringing them together as a tepee. This is where the muscle comes in. the 5/8in dowels were very tight and it took a good amount of working to get them through the boards. If you have seen my recent throwback profile pic on facebook then you know that muscles are obviously not a problem for me. The 1/2 dowels went right in. Leave the dowel sticking out about an inch or two past the boards so that you can hang additional items from it, further increasing your drying space.

If you have all the supplies then the whole project shouldn't take more than an hour or two (unless it becomes a "insert name here- project"). What you are left with is a drying rack with the equivalent of 44ft of clothes line that you can have set up in about 20sq ft of living space year round. We are lucky enough to have a three season room that works perfectly for this, but on colder days we have also used in the in boy's room during the day when they are playing downstairs anyway. We can easily fit a whole load of laundry on here and depending on the weather it dries in about an hour or two.

Since I figure that each load of laundry costs about 50 cents to dry we only need to use this 70 times to get that money back. That means that doing a load of laundry a day we will have a complete return on our investment in just over two months. From there on it is all gravy (or granola...get it? Granola is crunchy, like your underware will soon be, haha?).

Furniture polish alternative and a minor stitch in our new year...or should I say staple?

2010-01-08T20:33:00.010-05:00

I am always on the hunt to find 'greener' and more kid friendly cleaners to use around the house. I have 4 children 5 and under, chances are one of them will digest some sort of cleaner in the near future, just trying to be realistic. Yes, Poison control is on speed dial (and they know me by name. It's pretty bad when you start using fake names in fear of them sending over the poison police to hall your children off!;) Here is one I made the other day for dusting. And to my surprise, it worked GREAT. As in, made my wood shine. It is 2 parts Olive Oil and 1 part Lemon Juice. I added in some essential oils to make it smell pretty. I choose lemon- the smell definition of clean, and tea tree oil- which is a natural disinfectant (along with it's many other uses)

-excuse my lemon, it still had residue from my fruit wash (another post, another day).

I used a little mason jar to hold mine.

The best part about kid friendly cleaners, is the sheer volume of increased man power. Why do you think we have so many kids? ;) I jest. In all honesty, they BEG to help. PLEEEASE Mommy?? Ok, ok...but only if you act good for the rest of the day. See how this is working to my advantage? ;)

Store in fridge for up to 2 months (depending on how often you dust- or until it looks weird) You will need to give it a little shake before using and don't forget to label it. Otherwise your unsuspecting hunger flustered husband, may adorn his salad with it. Who am I kidding, whose husbands' first choice when hungry is a salad? And even if it were, you better believe ranch or bleu cheese is getting slabbed all over that sucker.

Let me know if you make/use this!

In other recent news, the Wilson household was all astir last night due to Logan, the middle and somewhat darling little boy of ours who decided to make it his mission to climb onto his brother's top bunk. We heard a crash. We heard nothing. We heard Malachi screaming, "Logan is hurt." Ben ran. I thought, "What is new?". Ben yelled for me to get something for the blood. I sprinted. He split his head open falling off the ladder. Ben spent most of the night in the ER with him, waiting. He came home sporting 4 staples in his noggin. He is our first to get stitches and I am guessing not the last. The pic is blurry because he still doesn't realize they are in there (if he did he would FREAK out). We just tell him not to touch it. I had to snap it quickly!

Poor babe.

Hopefully this open act is not setting a tone for our upcoming year!

A new year, a new goal!

2010-01-07T13:54:00.003-05:00

Since January is now upon us, I figured I should update this blog. We are going to try and keep up with it now (that is right, I said WE. I am hoping that Ben will post too). Mainly so we can look back and see God's faithfulness in our lives next January. But also to see how the kids have grown, what we were up to, and to keep family (that now lives far away...again) in the loop! We are transitioning it into our 'family blog' rather then 'adoption blog'. Leave a comment if you read our random ramblings (say that 10 times fast!). We would love to know that you stopped by and keep in touch with all of our scattered friends and family.

In the mean time, I know I am bias, but are these children not adorable?!?

It's been over a year now!

2009-06-27T09:00:00.004-04:00

It amazes me that Mayla has been home for over a year. Somedays I think, has it only been that long? But most days it just feels like she has been here forever. Adoption has a been a wild ride for us. From learning she was a year older then we thought she was 2 wks before getting her (aka: read about baby adoption more then toddler), to having a very frustrated and upset toddler who we couldn't understand and who couldn't understand us, to watching her older brother completely fall in love with her and tell us, "She can never go back to Africa again". We have had our share of issues...such as attachment, behavioral, emotional. At one point I even tried bottle feeding her b/c a social worker suggested it to me (she laughed and so did I, so maybe it did bond us? haha). She would just never want to cuddle, and when she did it was forced. She has peed the bed, peed standing right in front of us, peed in her carseat...pooped in her pants when we were out to icecream with friends. She lies and shoves to get to be first in everything she does. I know those are just adoption issues, so we work on them, and move on. She spent the first couple months crying in the night, sound asleep. She has grown 7 inches and gained about 15lbs. She loves anything girly (princesses, flowers, tea parties, dress-up, dolls) but she can also wrestle with her brothers, and win. She has the BEST giggle I have ever heard in my life, and when I hear it I can't help but smile. She is a great listener and loves to be my big helper.

Love is a funny thing. I honestly thought something was wrong with me when she first came home, because my love for her didn't come as instantly as I thought it would. I cried when I first saw her, just like I did when I first saw each one of the boys. But as time went on, and frustrations built, I felt like I was more of a care taker then her Mommy. She would constantly act out- and so I thought it was from lack of attention. We would spend special time together, and she would get worse. I had no idea what to do. God spoke to me during this time and reminded me that HE planned her for our family- and that this is where she was supposed to be. He also reminded me that he adopted us, and even though He loves us, sometimes He doesn't like us, or the choices we make. I think that is where I was at with Mayla. I did love her, but it was a choice to. I feel horrible even typing that, but I just want to let other people who adopt know that you are normal if you are having these feelings. I would read on other people's blogs about their children they brought home and how they loved everything about them, their child was adjusting perfectly...and thought Mayla would have been better off with one of those families- like we cheated her out of something and it made me feel like crap. Finally, I came across a blog where a guy shared how HARD it actually is. Do you know how many comments he had thanking him for his honesty? Over 300. There is freedom in being real.

Love takes time.

PhotoShoot

2009-04-05T21:53:00.002-04:00

Spring = Mud in Maine....

2009-03-27T14:20:00.000-04:00

Check it out HERE

Welcome Corbin!

2009-01-15T22:31:00.002-05:00

Corbin Elmore
January 12th
8lbs2oz 19 1/2in

2008-12-02T10:12:00.000-05:00

More Hair

2008-11-12T08:19:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I spent 4 hrs putting mircobraids into Mayla's hair. She sat perfectly (well almost) still and there were no tears! woohoo:) Yes she got to watch TV the whole time. I am hoping that these will start locing on their own- and that we can keep them in for a long, long time.

2008-11-03T14:43:00.003-05:00

6 weird things about me! (only 6?)

1) I always have to sleep with my feet OUT of the covers...even when it's really cold. They are claustrophobic. I also can't EVER sleep with sock on, and neither can Ben, I make him take them off. My kids too. GROSS!

2) I read magazines from back to front. I have no idea why, it just makes sense to me.

3) When I clean out my right ear, it makes me cough. Every single time.

4) I hate shopping. I wish I didn't, but I do. I think it is because I never have the money to get what I want, so it's just depressing. So this one is fixable possibly.

5) I drink milk out of the carton sometimes- don't judge. At least I don't pick my nose.

6) I would eat out every night if I could...but we can't. So I cook all the time. I also make my own bread and all the kids breakfasts/snacks...they hardly have ANY processed food- and that makes me feel like a good mom:)

I am not going to tag anyone, but if you want to do it- feel free!

And to end, here are some Halloween pictures!

....in utero

2008-10-16T09:33:00.001-04:00

Ben took these pics...didn't he do a great job? Check out the last post for family pictures.

26 wks!

Fall!

2008-10-12T15:39:00.003-04:00

This weekend was busy with a birthday party at the corn maze, then dinner with great grandparents on Saturday. Today we had church, then went on a hike. The kids loved it! They are all sleeping now before church again tonight.

Here are some pics!

Get the whole family involved!

2008-09-11T09:38:00.002-04:00

Kids LAKE is a campaign to help kids all "pitch in" to make a difference in our world! The challenge for kids is to raise, earn or save money every month to be able to send to kids around the world so they may know God's Love. Every month, we'll feature a different organization that we'll be raising money for. This way, kids can not only make a difference through their donations, but also through their prayers! Every month we'll give you lots of details and stories of the country, kids and organization we are raising money for so you can use it as an educational tool!

This blog will be used for 3 things. . .1. to tell others about Kids LAKE. Keep spreading the word by emailing your friends / family / school group and encouraging them to get involved. 2. Donations! At the end of each month (or kids project) you can just come back to this one website and donate here. We'll change out the donate button each month for the organization we're working with (don't worry, each organization will be thoroughly researched to prove that they can provide accountability!). 3. Highlighting the Amazing kids who are making a difference all across the world! Every few days, we'll post another story / picture of a kid making a difference. Some days, we'll write the post (depending on the kid's age) and some days we'll have "guest" bloggers who write us and tell us what they did, how much they earned and what they learned in the process!

Thanks for taking the Kids LAKE challenge!!! Be sure to email your stories / photos to Miss Brandi at brandi@kidslake.org and come back here to donate when you are done!

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I am thrilled to announce our September project for an organization that many of you may already be familiar with. . .AHOPE for Children!

There are over 1 million orphans in Ethiopia alone. Many of them suffer from HIV / Aids. HIV/AIDS is a really bad disease that makes the children sick. AHOPE was built just to help these kids. This is literally a Life Saving ministry. They partner with a clinic in the area (actually helped fund this clinic) to provide these precious children with ARVs (anti-retro Viral) medicines that help keep the HIV at HIV status instead of blowing into full blown AIDS, for those children who get there in time.

AHOPE has a children's home where 80 wonderful children live and are nurtured. On top of that, they help another 50 children with their Child Development Center where they help kids who are able to stay at home, but need some extra care.

There is a crisis in Ethiopia. Yes, there is an AIDS crisis that AHOPE is already addressing. But, there is another crisis looming in Ethiopia. A famine. This means that there is less and less food available. So, the food that is available gets more and more expensive! This is a very bad thing. Our families need to pray for the families and children in Ethiopia. We can help them this month by providing food. The children at AHOPE need extra special food that will help their bodies be strong. This food costs $10 per week for each child. Will your family help a child? Look for ways to earn / raise or save money this month. Above all, remember to pray for these precious ones. Talk to your friends and get them involved! This could be a family thing, neighborhood project, class project or your whole church!

Looking forward to this month!
Brandi for the KidsLake Team

PS: There are 130 children in their care. That means $1300 per week, just for food. KidsLake has raised that in the past. However. . my secret dream is to provide food for the whole month of September. Will your pray with us? Will you spread the word? Post this on your blog, email your friends and family. There are LOTS of families with a passion for Ethiopia and lots of families adopting from Ethiopia. Let's band together and make a difference. Let's provide these amazing children with food this month. . . and remember them in prayer every time we sit down to eat!

Extensions!

2008-09-09T15:47:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I spent 6 1/2 hrs braiding yarn extensions into Mayla's hair. She sat perfectly still and didn't cry once, which is pretty funny considering just 2 months ago she would cry so hard that she would throw up just from having it pulled back into a ponytail! We watched Cinderella, Land Before Time, and a bunch of PBS, haha. She also did all of her dolly's hair, and they are all sporting colorful elastics and beads:)

Here are some of the in process pics. You have to do them really long then cut them to size...

And here are a few with it pulled back, I need to take some of it down!

She loves them. She says, "I am so pretty". When she first saw herself in the mirror, she looked confused and said, "Mommy, where is my hair?" She looks so much older, but it's a low maintenance style that I am hoping to get at least 3 wks out of. We counted and there are over 90 braids in there!

Summer

2008-07-30T08:36:00.005-04:00

Summer has been great so far. We have spent a lot of time playing outside, playing with friends and cousins and swimming at the lake.

Malachi is getting really excited for preschool which starts in Sep. He asks me everyday if it is time for him to go yet.

Mayla has been testing us lately in a variety of ways- peeing her pants, suddenly forgetting all table manners, and as always- hair time is a HUGE struggle. We are actually thinking of putting locs in. She did learn how to ride a bike and she will be starting a dance class in Sep too. She loves dancing, she does it all day long.

Logan is a terror. I say that in the most loving way. But it's true. He is the youngest and he knows it. He is a little cuddler who loves to just sit and read books, and then he will turn into this monster baby who hits and bites people. haha, ahh the joys of parenthood.

We are still looking for a home church here. We went to one last Sunday and it was alright. The worship music was really great, but we are not so sure about the preaching. It just seemed really shallow. I think we will probably give it another week or two and go from there. We have a couple others we want to try too. Finding a church with little kids isn't very fun. Malachi didn't mind going to his class, but Mayla and Logan weren't too impressed with us. The nursery was able to bribe Logan into staying with a juice box and snacks, and Mayla sat quietly with us after coming up to the service half way through. She then realized it was boring and wanted to go back down. She kept saying, "Music Mommy?" She thought it was still worship time and she loved that.

Ben has been playing in a kickball league...no you didn't read that wrong, I said kickball, haha. I didn't even know there was leagues for that, but there is. My mom's dental office has a team and needed an extra player. He is having fun, so that is all that matters.

Here are some pictures of the summer so far...enjoy!

2008-07-11T10:18:00.001-04:00

Did I mention we live in Maine now? Oh yeah, well we do. We moved across country this past month. Kids are loving it, we are loving it. It is nice to be around family again. Here are some pictures from the 4th!

2008-06-07T18:58:00.002-04:00

Trip to Maine

2008-05-22T14:08:00.002-04:00

Here are some pictures from our trip to Maine.

2008-05-21T19:25:00.001-04:00

Conversation with a lady at church (65ish) and me on Sunday after church. Don't picture a nice old lady, she didn't even smile once:

Lady: Is this the one you just went and got?

Me: Yes, this is my new daughter!

Lady to Mayla: What is your name?

Mayla just smiles and waves at her.

Lady to Mayla: I said, what is your name?

Me: She doesn't speak...*gets interrupted*

Lady to Mayla (now right in her face, Mayla is putting her head on my shoulder, because she is scared because she is yelling): LOOK AT ME, I SAID WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Me: Her name is Mayla, she doesn't speak English.

Lady: Well then what does she speak?

Me: Amharic.

Lady: What?

Me: Amharic, it is the language of Ethiopia.

Lady: So she speaks African?

Me: She speaks Amharic.

Lady: Make her say something to me in African.

Me: I can't, she is shy and I don't know how to communicate to her to tell her to speak to you in Amharic.

Lady to Mayla (now slow and very loud): SAY SOMETHING TO ME IN AFRICAN.

Mayla is now turning her head away from the lady.

Lady : She doesn't listen very well.

Lady to Mayla: I said, SAY SOMETHING IN AFRICAN

Me (now slow and very loud) SHE DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH.

Then I walk away.

GEESH!

2008-05-07T13:33:00.002-04:00

Today Mayla and Ki were getting on each others nerves, so I decided to let them try on their Ethiopian apparel. Here are the pics!

This last pic is funny because when we were getting clothes together for her, Ben said, "well can't she just wear t he boys pajamas?" and I said. "NO WAY!" and here she is, 3 weeks after we got her...sporting here brothers clothes. Ki's shorts and Logan's dinosaur shirt.

2008-05-04T07:03:00.002-04:00

Last night was Mayla's coming home party. There were about 65 people there. And she did amazingly well. She stayed in my arms for about 15 mins, then got right down and played with the kids. She even went to other people, all the while looking over her shoulder to make sure I was still there and then coming quickly back into my arms. She was the one reaching to them though, she really is outgoing and a little social butterfly. Here are some pictures from when we got home last night because we forgot to bring the camera into the party with us (don't worry, lots of people had cameras!).

2008-05-02T10:54:00.001-04:00

Mayla is fascinated with my laundry. When I bring it up to fold, she goes through it and gets all the underwear, not sure why...and then sits on the floor and pretends to hand wash them. She also saw me putting a cloth diaper on Logan this morning and brought me her baby, too cute! So all her babies are sporting cloth today. I took these pictures and they were too adorable not to share!

2008-04-29T18:39:00.003-04:00

I promise I will still go over our time in Ethiopia, pictures and all...I just don't have the emotional energy to do that right now. Things are going great. We went to the Dr's today and got Mayla checked out. Everything seems to be great. She is so advanced in her moter skills, and she talks all the time...if only we could understand her! We do pretty well though with our 20 words in Amharic and her 5 in English plus lots of sign. I attempted cornrowing the other day...it didn't really come out as cornrows, but it was still cute. We are just sporting the ponytail on the top of the head for a few more weeks until I can get her to sit still long enough to try again! The kids just had dinner that got brought to us, it was enchiladas...so good! I have yet to find anything that Mayla doesn't like. She is a great eater! The spicier, the better! We did bath time, and now they are watching an Amharic kids video, the boys love it even though they have no idea what is being said. Sleeping is good too, she slept in a little later today (she was getting up at 6am!) but she fell out of bed last night, so she came in with us. Here are some more pictures to hold you over!

Quick update!

2008-04-29T18:36:00.002-04:00

We are home! I just wanted to give a quick update, since I know everyone has been praying for us. Mayla is here and she is a cutie! We have had our share of fits, but she is 2 1/2 plus we have the language barrier to deal with, so it's expected. Her moter skills are amazing. She does everything at the park, no problem or fear...she can jump on one foot, and with a ball in between her legs. She can also get herself dressed all the way down to buttoning her own buttons...sad, but true. We have been forcing her to let us do those things for her. She is a good eater and loves to giggle. The boys have been doing great. Malachi loves her. Logan is a little jealous, but it will be ok. We have taught her some sign language and she has picked up on it pretty fast. She also says Mommy, Daddy, Malachi, Logan, Grammy, Grampa, More, Please and anything else we ask her to say. She will learn quickly.

Ok well time for bed, it's on;y 9 but our bodies are still off. Malachi threw up tonight, so I am hoping it was some fluke thing and doesn't rip through our family...that would be horrible timing.

Here are some pictures. I will update more detailed later!

The time has come!

2008-04-16T10:52:00.003-04:00

We leave Friday morning to go to Ethiopia and pick up Mayla! So I am signing off. Time to finish up the last details.

Here is our schedule:

Today-
finish last minute packing
continue laundry (I wanted to have it all done...not looking likely)
Tonight is church
Homework after church

Tomorrow:
Ben has the day off
Full family day
say goodbye to boys:(
Bring them to Miss Shelby's at 7:30pm
Come home finish last minute cleaning and go to bed

Friday-
Up bright and early..or dark and early..at 3am to leave for airport.
Fly to DC, then to Italy, then to Ethiopia.
Arrive in Ethiopia 8am their time.
Depending on how much sleep we got on plane, we may go get Mayla that afternoon.

Boys will be at Miss Shelby's until Sunday night when Grammy and Grampa pick them up.

Come home Saturday, the 26th. Be exhausted.

Keep us and our family in your prayers!

2008-04-02T13:20:00.003-04:00

Finally all the snow is gone!! Today it was in the mid 40's and sunny. We went to the park on Ben's lunch break. The kids loved getting some fresh air!

Only 15 days until we leave for Ethiopia! I really need to start packing & organizing donations. Maybe I will go do some of that now...

Easter pictures/New Mayla pics!

2008-03-25T11:21:00.003-04:00

Easter Egg hunt

2008-03-22T21:06:00.005-04:00

We went to an Easter egg hunt at the home of a family from our church. The boys really loved it. Here are some pictures!

Out numbered!

2008-03-11T11:58:00.003-04:00

Hurry up Mayla, Mommy needs you!!

A couple things-
-My kids do wear normal clothes, I swear- this was before bath time.
-They like being thrown around like that, they are boys.
-The futon pad was being used in a different room as a fort.

ahhh life with boys. Soon to change!

Praise God!!

2008-03-10T11:15:00.003-04:00

We made it through court today! Here is our beautiful little Mayla Evangeline...

She is the one that pops in...

We will be traveling in 6 wks! WOW WOW WOW!

Thank you God for this blessing!

Malachi 3 Yrs

2008-03-04T14:55:00.003-05:00

Excuse the laundry in the background! He is getting so big:(

Dear Mama...

2008-03-03T13:38:00.010-05:00

Dear Mama,

I often ask myself, "why do you even bother picking up?" Don't you know where things go? It makes me laugh that you neatly organize the movies, they don't go there Mama...

They go on the floor! I thought you would know by now, that I think it is my job to pull them all down, take them out of their cases, and rub the DVDs on the tile, scratching our favorite ones.

Oh, and don't you know my toys don't belong in a box? Toys were made for the floor. I keep trying to tell you, but since you obviously aren't understanding my language...I will just have to keep SHOWING you.

Phew, putting things in their right place is a lot of hard work. Time to go relax.

Nevermind! As soon as I sit down you go and undo everything I have done. Off to put things in their rightful places once again. Mama, you are making me exhausted.

Love,
Logan

Good news!

2008-02-22T16:05:00.004-05:00

We have a court date! It's.....

March 11th! If we pass through court she is officially ours and we would be traveling April 18th-ish.

We also received our I171h in the mail yesterday, so we are all set to travel!

Please pray!

Updated Kitchen

2008-02-05T17:06:00.001-05:00

Here it is! Semi finished project. We still need to put hardware on, hammer in kickboards, paint trim (it's NOT staying yellow!) and get something for the backsplash because the walls were so damaged underneath. The backsplash will be something like this.

We found out from my Grandmother that Evangeline is a family name! Here is the info from my Grandmother: I just finished reading your blog about names and wanted to give you some family history. My father's oldest sister was named Evangeline, I oftened wondered were they ever came up with that name, and it seems there is a famous poem called by that name, written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and had something to do with Canada. Not much info I know, but thought you would find it interesting.

hmmm cool!

2008-02-02T08:36:00.000-05:00

We are remodeling our kictchen...kinda. I say kinda because it's the smallest kitchen in the WORLD. Our house was built in 1940 and it had the orginal cupboards (ick!) and they were not shutting right etc. not to mention we just hate the colors (yes, we did paint them that 2 yrs ago...) the floors were gross- so we are redoing it all. Finshed pics to come later, soon hopefully!

2008-01-31T13:17:00.001-05:00

Ok- we still don't know the meaning of Hermela, but we do know that it is pronouced Her-mail-a. Not Herm-ella like we thought. So there goes Ella, kinda glad cause I didn't really like it! Mikayla would fit nice and call her 'Ayla' who knows! I really like Teagan and Evangeline too. I told Ben he could choose.

We are re-doing our entire kitchen! Will post pics later.

Names, names

2008-01-30T19:53:00.000-05:00

Mia/ Mea (MEEya)

Fay/Fae

Naomi

Miranda

Miriam

Chloe

Dahlia

Evangeline

Faith

Hailey

Josephine

Kadence

Lexie

Madelyn

Mikala/Mikayla/Mikalah

Raegan

Teagan

Some Combinations...

Mikayla Josephine Wilson (‘Ella’ or ‘Ayla’)

Ella Evangeline Wilson

Ruby Evangeline Wilson

Chloe Josephine Wilson

Hailey Fay Wilson

Mia Evangeline Wilson

Evangeline Faith Wilson

Mia Josephine Wilson

Miranda Fae Wilson

Dahlia Faith Wilson

Ella Josephine Wilson

Kadance Josephine Wilson( ‘Kate’ ‘Kady’)

NICE suggestions??

We like Ella because it would be like her name 'Hermela' but we aren't sure about just Ella for when she is an adult. We were also thinking we could still call her 'Ella' as a nickname for a lot of the names (Mikayla, Evangeline, Dahlia...)

Referral!

2008-01-30T14:21:00.000-05:00

We received another referral! Her name is Hermela and she is a cutie. She is 24lbs and 31 inches tall. Now we are just waiting for a court date.

We have to think of a name too!

2008-01-06T10:27:00.001-05:00

Malachi- Mommy want to play race cars?
Me- No not right now
Malachi- why not?
Me- because I am sad
Malachi- Why?
Me- Because Gabby isn't coming anymore
Malachi- but her mommy came and got her.
Me- Yes, and that is good. But I wanted to be her mommy too
Malachi- and I really wanted to be her Malachi.

New information

2008-01-04T09:21:00.000-05:00

I woke up yesterday with a bad feeling, and so we decided to call our adoption coordinator to see how things were going. Apparently when he was over in Ethiopia Gabby's mom was trying very very hard to see her. It's Ethiopian law that the parents cannot see the children after the are placed in an orphanage. So they can either show up at the court date and sign them over or not show up and get them back. Our coordinator said that their were problems when he was over there, but that it had all cleared up before he left. I got more nervous when I read an email from a lady over there getting her daughter and she gave updates on all of the referred children, except Gabby. So I emailed her asking if she was there. She emailed back saying that she wasn't and that the caregivers showed her court papers from the mom. These are the facts, I really don't want to get into the emotions right now as you can imagine. So Gabby is no longer Gabby, but Tsion again and with her mom. Hopefully she is safe and happy. We will always remember her and pray for her.

We are back to square one. Now needing to decide whether or not to accept another referral.

Fingerprints

2007-12-07T11:34:00.000-05:00

Here are some pics of me and the boys. Malachi has rug burn on his nose from trying to crawl/run on the floor at church on Sunday.

Yesterday we went to immigration services and got our fingerprints done for the FBI for final clearance and an approval letter to bring Gabby home. How long we will have to wait for that letter is unknown. We are still waiting to here from our coordinator on a court date, which hopefully will be soon since he filed our/her papers Sunday. Our agency is different in that when Shimeliss is in Ethiopia (which is about every 3weeks for 3weeks or more) we don't have any communication besides our yahoogroup. So no one really knows anything until he comes home and gets swamped with questions! We do have one lady who has volunteered to help him, which has been nice! But I am not complaining, because I really would rather it be this way, then wait a year or more for a referral. I just really wish we could bring two babies home instead of one, because I know we will want to adopt again and adopting a second is about $8,000 rather then doing it all over again for about $14,000. Neither of those prices include travel either, so it is pricey. I just wish I had all the money in the world and didn't have to worry about it and could just buy a huge house and car and fill it with babies/children who need homes. But I know God knows our situation and if he wanted us to bring two home, he would have made it possible financially. Not that it is too late, but at this point I don't see $8000 falling from the sky, haha!

We are so relieved to have everything done on our side- now we again just have to wait. This whole process has been like that. Stress and rush, then wait. Stress and rush, then wait. Luckily I have been taught patience many times before, so this road is a familiar one!

Malachi decided he wanted to call Gabby on the phone last night (his spiderman cell phone) so we did and we all got to chat! Logan even said, "Hi". Yesterday we told Malachi we were going to get our fingerprints done so that we could get Gabby and at the office there was a little Indian girl and Malachi said, "Look!! It's Gabby!!". We said no buddy, not yet! He is getting SO anxious. We all are!

2007-11-30T15:08:00.001-05:00

Country comparison

	Ethiopia	USA
Average Annual Income	$110	$41,400
Life Expectancy	48 years	78 years
Access to Safe Water	22%	100%
Adequate Sanitation	6%	100%
Under 5 Mortality Rate	166 deaths/1000 live births	8 deaths/1000 live births

2007-11-27T09:41:00.000-05:00

We had a nice Thanksgiving! Please be praying for all the kiddos in Shimeliss' orphanage! We have lost 3 little babies so far. They have moved the rest of the children, but of course we are all worried and praying. We hope to have our court date this week! We just want her HOME!!

2007-11-16T08:54:00.000-05:00

We did get our referral and picture! Her name is Tsion and she is 2 1/2! She is so adorable:) Now we just wait for a court date!! Hopefully she will be home in January or February!

YAY!!!!!!!

Bedroom!

2007-11-07T15:29:00.001-05:00

Here is what we have done on the kiddos room so far! We still need to get another mattress, get curtains, and of course fill it with toys:) Yes, they are all sharing a room for awhile. In my experience with little kids, they all end up in the same bed every night anyways!

In awe

2007-11-07T14:27:00.001-05:00

So much to write about!

Shimeliss sent us an email saying that he has a possible referral for us. She is a little over 2, but closer to 2 then 3, but she has no exact age. He says she is adorable and she tested negative for all of her tests! We are SO excited, and counting down the days until he is home with her profile and pictures (8 days!)

On another note, (kind of), We went to St Louis this weekend for the National Youth Workers Convention. Which the church sent us to; it's basically a weekend of seminars, workshops, and resources about youth ministry. We actually went to this same conference at the same place 4 years ago when we were at Spring Arbor University. We had been married for 5 months, and we went there knowing that I was late, and there was a possibility that I could be pregnant. We got there, and I had been having to use the bathroom more then usual, and I was also very emotional, not to mention I just knew I was pregnant. I have always just known. I was so excited, because I had always wanted to be a mother, even if that meant putting off my schooling and sacrificing, I didn't care. I was having a great weekend, daydreaming about what it would be like to be pregnant, to be parents. Then I started getting cramps, and spotting. I remember sitting in the chairs of the big auditorium while everyone was worshiping, bawling my eyes out, because I knew I was losing the baby. The song that was playing was Blessed be your name:

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

These lyrics made me so mad. How could I say blessed be your name God, when He was choosing to take something that I wanted, a good thing, away from me? 4 years, 2 sons, and 2 more miscarriages later, I was still upset about my miscarriages. I have tried to stop asking why and stop blaming God for taking something so precious and innocent away, and for making me go through all of that, I had made the decision in my head that even though I didn't know why I had to go through it, I didn't have to know- God knew and I tried to make myself believe that gave me some sort of peace about things, when really it didn't. So needless to say, I was wondering how going to St Louis was going to be. It marked that beginning of this horrible roller coaster ride I have been on for 4 years.

We woke up Friday morning early to get ready to go to the airport to catch our flight. Right before I left, I figured I would check my email to see if Shimeliss had emailed me. I was doubtful because he hasn't yet, even though I had emailed him a few times. I had just been telling myself to stop worrying about it, that we would have to wait until he came home on the 13th to hear anything. I opened my email and there it was, an email from him talking about a possible referral. I was SO EXCITED, I screamed. I felt like God was waiting to show me my referral, He was waiting to give it to us right before I had to go back to St Louis and be reminded of my loss and bitterness, He was waiting to show me "why". I thought about that a little, but we were literally running out the door (and had to run to catch our flight) so I didn't really think about it more until that night when I walked into the auditorium, and all the feelings rushed back. I went and sat down and then we sang this song:

Even though I walk

through the valley of the shadow of death,

Your perfect love is casting out fear.

And even when I'm caught

in the middle of the storms of this life,

I won't turn back, I know You are near.

Oh no, You never let go,

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go,

In every high and every low

O no, You never let go

Lord, You never let go of me.

And all of a sudden, I felt like God was showing me why I had to go through all of what I went through. He was telling me that 2 years ago, a little girl was brought to this earth, for me. Even though I didn't have the privileged of bringing her into this world myself, I have the even larger privilege of being chosen to raise her and be a part of her life. If I hadn't of had the miscarriages, life would have been different. I would have had more children, and maybe my desire to adopt would have went away. But God knew what he was doing, and even though it caused me pain, confusion and bitterness, I was able to be part of something so much bigger then me. And I am not the only one that has had to endure pain. I think about my precious little daughter who has been through so much in her two short years of life and who has experiences more loss then most people ever do. It blows my mind to know that God's plan for my life and for hers was to spend it together, and when I think about every loss we have both had to suffer for it, it just makes me stand in awe of God and the power he has in our lives. I spent years asking "Why? Why me God? What did I do to you?" When really, he was trying to bless me. I left that auditorium with a new understanding. I am now thankful to God for letting me experience what I did, and for not showing me why until now, until His perfect timing. As I walked past that same exact spot where I sat 4 years ago crying- I saw something on the ground. I went to go see what it was, and it was a puzzle piece. I picked it up and saved it. God provided the missing piece of me.

The waiting

2007-10-29T08:37:00.000-04:00

Well Shimeliss has been in Ethiopia one week now, and still not even an email. I always wake up and run right to the computer to see if we got an email from him- and nope:( Maybe this week?

I have been trying to stay busy and not glued to the computer checking for his email...so we worked on the kids room a little more this weekend. Eric has actually been sleeping up there on his top bunk! Today we are going to the library and out to do some errands. I think it's easier for people that have children already to wait- because we are so busy playing super heros, cars, lions, reading books, making peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, wiping running noses, playing outside...etc. It's still hard, but we just don't have 8 hrs a day to only think about that (although it is always in the back of my mind, and in our conversations) Eric said, "Mommy, I miss my sister, when is she coming home?" I told him only God knew so he should talk to Him about it. We pray for her every night.

Ok well off to take baths and get dressed!

2007-10-22T08:32:00.001-04:00

Shimeliss is off to Ethiopia today- for the next three weeks...and he will be finding OUR REFERRAL!!:)

Cuties

2007-10-18T19:39:00.000-04:00

Here are some pictures of the kiddos...(and mommy!)

Dossier is GONE!

2007-10-16T21:12:00.000-04:00

After every possible hiccup (not having the right forms, our homestudy arriving saying we are adopting from China??, notaries stamps being wrong-and them being MIA, etc etc) We are finally DONE with the huge paperwork part. We still have to file for passports (which we tried to do already, but the pictures were taken wrong at RiteAide) so we have to go back and get them redone. I am now apply for grants like crazy. It costs a lot to adopt 2, and since we don't know if it will be 1 or 2 yet, we are trying to prepare. Plus traveling before Christmas is going to be a lot of $$. I know God will provide.

Shimeliss (our agency director) is leaving for Ethiopia Oct 22 (with our paperwork in hand!) and coming home with our referral! I am excited, but trying to put it in the back of my mind, since it could still be as far away as Nov 12th.

Ahhh this is starting to get CLOSE!

2007-09-20T14:07:00.000-04:00

Today we had our final homestudy meeting. She came over to the house (which we were up until midnight cleaning!) and it went really smoothly. Eric of course, was very out going and wouldn't give her a second to talk. She asked him what Mommy and Daddy do when he is bad, and he said they make me take time-outs, but he said it with a huge frown- it was funny. My house is so clean right now, and the boys are sleeping! ahhhh- although I should probably take a nap too- I am at the shelter tonight.

So now we are just waiting for our social worker to write up our homestudy, then we get to move on, finally! Everything else is all set, we are just waiting on that.

Looking forward to Saturday (aka: Will's day off) Eric has basketball in the morning, but after that the possibilities are endless (ha! yeah right!)

2007-09-14T15:59:00.001-04:00

Just so everyone knows...for protection (since this site is public) I am lovingly referring to my family with the names, Will, Marie, Eric, and Elijah.

First homestudy....

2007-09-08T15:46:00.000-04:00

We had our first homestudy on Friday. It went really well. Our social worker is very nice and had a lot of great information for us. She had some suggestions for after we get our referral...such as sending a blanket after we sleep with it for 3 wks, so that the baby will know our smell. Also taking pictures of our family, laminating them and sending them so they will have an idea what we will look like. Next week we both have our individual meetings (mine Wednesday, Will's Thursday) then we have to schedule our house visit, then we are done!

We need to apply for passports asap, Will doesn't have one, and I need a renewal. I hear that the wait time for them is ridiculous right now.

We went car shopping today. We are trying to get a minivan to accommodate our growing family...but because we owe so stinking much on our Jeep, it is becoming obvious that it is impossible to trade in. ( Basically got a really bad deal from sneaky salesmen when we bought it).
So who knows. We have to get one, that is not the question...it's just trying to come up with the money on top of everything else right now.

We have been talking to Eric about the adoption, and at first he said we didn't need anymore kids, because we have Elijah. But then we talked a little more about how they are in Africa right now, and they don't have a mommy or daddy, so we are going to be their mommy and daddy. He was confused for a little bit. Asking if they were going to grow in my tummy like Elijah did. And I told him no, they are growing in my heart. So now he walks around saying we are getting a sister (?) from Lat-ri-ca- aka Africa. It's cute.

Hoping to get our Dossier finished this week- then notarized, then sent to the secretary of state for authentication, then to D.C., then to Ethiopia. What a process!

Just God and Me...

2007-09-01T23:15:00.000-04:00

So I was running my errands yesterday, and I was talking to God...mainly about the adoption. My hopes, fears, the bad reaction I got from a someone at church, etc. I was feeling pretty down after being treated like I had, so I was beginning to think if we were even doing the right thing (it's funny how Satan can use other believers to discourage you from doing God's will!) God totally confirmed some things in my heart. One of my main insecurities is how young we are. I know that people who know me, know I am a family person, and they see me with my kids and they don't think of my as being a 'teen mom' or whatever. But when I see people in the grocery store, or just out in public, I always feel like they are looking at me and thinking I am 16, because I look it, and wondering how young I must have been when I had my first. I constantly get comments like, "wow! are those yours?", "are you a senior this year?", "babies having babies". I feel like screaming, "I was married before I had children! No, they weren't mistakes but gifts from God, I am 22, leave me alone!!!" I seriously try and dress and get my hair cut in older styles just to help the cause...

sorry for tangent...back on track...

I was getting really worried what people would think of me being 22 and have 4 kids. Then I began thinking that maybe I was rushing this whole process and that I had made things happen so fast. But God stopped me mid thinking/praying and I felt Him saying that adoption is such a huge thing, and who do I think I am that I could pull something like that off by myself? Who do I think I am that I could come up with a source of money, a desire all on my own...and not only that, but I shouldn't feel worried or embarrassed about having 4 children at such a young age, I should feel privileged and blessed that God would trust Ben and I with 4 little lives to raise and shape into soldiers for Him. Wow. Can you say humbling? God also confirmed that through our adoption, he would bring conviction to people around us. I have no idea what that means, or who it pertains to, but my experience in the car yesterday was so amazing. I love the saying, God adopted you. It's so true, when we were completely helpless and lost he called us His own. I was listen to "Arms of Love" and I stared crying because I was just so thankful that God is letting Ben and experience this adoption, I feel like He is showing us his heart, how he is so compassionate and loving. It is really making me realize how amazing it is to take someone who isn't technically 'yours' but not caring for a minute, just realizing that we are all Gods children and taking them into your hearts and lives and making them mesh so beautifully...oh man, I really can't wait!!

We were looking at pictures tonight on some blogs of families who recently got home from Ethiopia. They showed the government orphanage and it was horrible. There was a huge room with a bunch of rusty cribs, and then a big mattress on the floor with about 10-15 babies on it. It broke my heart, there were so many of them, I wondered how many of them got held each day, or just transferred from the crib to the floor and then back. How many of them has ever just got rocked to sleep while hearing someone sing softly in their ears? Probably none.

Knowing that our babies are probably already born and not knowing where they are, or what they have been through tears me up inside. Please pray for them, we do all the time. Pray for protection and a quick process for us, so they can be in their mommy's arms soon!

Arms of Love
I sing a simple song of love
To my Savior, to my Jesus.
I'm grateful for the things You've done,
My loving Savior, my precious Jesus.

My heart is glad that You've called me Your own.
There's no place I'd rather be than

In Your arms of love,
In Your arms of love.
Holding me still, holding me near,
In Your arms of love.

Woohoo!!

2007-08-31T08:36:00.000-04:00

Today we are sending our application into the agency! I am going to be running around like a mad women getting a bunch of errands done.

List:
Go to police station to get clearance
Go to town hall to get Logan's birth certificate
Drop off medical forms at Doctors (luckily we just had check ups, so she will fill out the form)
Send out friend referral letters
Send out employment referral letter

We are getting SO excited. God has totally taken control of this situation, and it's so amazing to see him working! I feel like I am pregnant, it's that same excitement. I find myself daydreaming of having them home! Yes we are getting siblings. For a couple reasons. We really want to bless them by letting them stay together, since most people only want 1. We also think it's smart if a medical emergency ever was to come up, we would have a better chance of a match with a bio sibling. It's just so crazy to think about our family jumping from 2 kids to 4 and we are only 22 and 23! We both know that God has called us to have a big family though, and really, we love it. We aren't sure of the gender we will be getting, although we would love to have a girl! God knows though- so we will see! We are hoping that the ages will be a toddler right in between our boys and an infant younger then Elijah.

September 7th we start our homestudy with the social worker. She seems really nice!

I feel like jumping up and down all the time, its so exciting! Will hugged me this morning and sang, "we're gonna have a baby!" and that is exactly what it feels like!!

GOD IS GOOD!!!!

Ready, set, GO!

2007-08-30T12:49:00.000-04:00

A little background:

We have known from the beginning that this desire to adopt was put on our hearts by God. We love children, so obeying to this calling wasn't hard to do. However, we had no idea things would fall into place so quickly...but we know that our timing is not His. Yes we have a 3yr old and a 6mo old, yes we are still in school, yes Will works two jobs, yes we are busy, but you know what? God is bigger then all of those things. Children are blessings from Him and we are trusting Him with our entire lives, not just the things we chose to give Him control over.

I am pretty sure most people know this by now, but if not, we are adopting from Ethiopia. A lot of people say why Africa when there are plenty of children in the US that need loving homes. I agree that there are many children all over the world that need loving homes. We have a couple reasons for choosing Africa. 1) Marie witnessed first hand the poverty in Africa when she spent some time there. 2) The US has a foster care system, yes it has its problems just like any other system in this country, but children are being cared for. They have full bottles of full strength formula, instead of watered down, they have warm beds to sleep in instead of a cold floor. We are very blessed to live in the US, why not extend that blessing to someone who isn't? I am not saying that we would never adopt from the US, because God very well may call us to do that someday. 3) We aren't old enough:)

We are going to be using an agency called Hope Adoption agency. They are based out of MO. They are fairly new, however the director is Ethiopian. We have heard nothing but great feedback from others who have used them. The whole process from start to finish takes about 3-6 months as long as everything runs smoothly.

We are starting our homestudy in September and we have started filling out the HUGE stack of paper work.

Please keep us in your prayers throughout this time!

2006-06-15T16:45:00.000-04:00